


Help Me Forget

by Jewsters1986



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Feels, Fluff, Hanji Zoe - Freeform, Hurt and comfort, Levi Ackerman - Freeform, LeviAckermanxReader, Reader Insert, ReaderxLeviAckerman, Temporarily Unrequited Love, attack on titan - Freeform, awkward moments, drunk!levi, levixreader - Freeform, readerxlevi - Freeform, shingeki no kyojin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-08
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-20 07:44:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8241715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jewsters1986/pseuds/Jewsters1986
Summary: Reader has feelings for Levi, yet Levi ignores her and treats her like every other comrade.However after he loses his entire squad on a particularly brutal expedition, Levi gets drunk and tries to find solace with Reader, only for her to reject him when he tries to make a move on her. Does he actually have feelings for her after all and if so, can he win her round after their awkward encounter?





	1. Chapter 1

Yet another expedition had ended in bloodshed and failure.  
The Survey Corps returned to their castle headquarters defeated and greatly culled in numbers, several carts were piled high with corpses of fallen comrades. Yet for every one they brought home...there were more that were unrecoverable and left to rot in the territory they were fighting so hard to reclaim.  
This was the harsh reality of their choice to join this particular branch of the military and they were forced to live with the consequences...consequences that sometimes threatened to tear them apart and make them turn on one another.  
Every single one of them had lost someone they care about.  
Fathers, sons, brothers, sisters, friends from their childhood, squad mates they had known since their cadet years and even lovers.  
Many turned to drink to drown their sorrows, some went mad and ended up joining their lost comrades, while others sought solace in each other...anything to try and forget the pain of the struggle that they were forced to endure in the name of humanity.

Captain Levi Ackerman slowly walked back towards the sanctuary of his office, his heavy footsteps echoing off the stone floor with each purposeful stride.  
His head hung low, raven bangs covered his cold grey eyes and his mouth set itself in a harsh thin frown, devoid of any emotion, the other scouts gave him a wide berth not even daring to breathe loudly as he passed them by.  
This expedition had been a particularly bad one for him.  
Several abnormals had ambushed him and his squad, forcing them into an open space where there was no possible way to effectively use their ODM Gear.  
They fought valiantly, yet he emerged as the only survivor thanks to his superior skills.  
None of their bodies were recovered, they became just another meal for the titan’s insatiable appetites.  
Reaching the office, he unlocked the large heavy wooden door and stepped inside, closing it behind him and leaning back against it for a moment.  
Only now that he was alone did he let his stoic mask slip.  
He gritted his teeth angrily and narrowed his eyes, it never got any easier.  
The pain and angst he always felt at losing those who placed their trust in him, those who followed him and obeyed his orders without question...and how were they rewarded? With a painful death at the hands of the titans.  
Walking over to his desk, he removed his cloak and draped it over the back of his chair before pulling open one of the large drawers and retrieving a bottle of whiskey.  
He didn’t even bother with a glass, simply unscrewing the lid and swigging it straight from the bottle.  
The amber alcoholic liquid burned his throat as he gulped down a large mouthful, hissing and exhaling deeply as he pulled the bottle away from his lips when a knock on the door distracted him.  
“What do you want?” He growled, leaning back against the desk and staring out of the window.  
The door slowly creaked open, followed by the sound of quiet footsteps entering his private inner sanctum and approaching him.  
“Captain Levi?” Asked a soft female voice that radiated a comforting warmth.

You sighed deeply and clutched the stack of papers listing the names of the dead closer to your chest.  
The last thing you wanted to do after an expedition was paperwork, but being a junior officer it was a necessary evil.  
Been promoted to squad leader a few months ago, one of your main responsibilities after an expedition was to help compile a list of all the soldiers who had died in battle from all the other squads before handing it over to Erwin to send to the premier in Wall Sina.  
You nervously bit your lip as you approached the office of a certain comrade that scared you more than any titan ever could.  
Captain Levi Ackerman, Humanity’s Strongest Soldier.  
While you may have feared him, you also had strong feelings of affection towards him...feelings which you knew full well were not reciprocated.  
You had tried dropping several subtle hints that you admired him.  
A small smile every so often when he was feeling sarcastic and cracked one of his infamous shit jokes, offering to bring him tea if he was planning on working late, stolen glances across the mess hall or during training...  
Yet each small gesture was ignored and you felt invisible under his penetrating gaze, but somehow you still pursued him. Where you unable to take a hint or just a glutton for punishment? Perhaps it was a mixture of both?  
Shaking your head, you huffed and stopped outside the captain’s door, slowly raising your fist and knocking three times on the hard wooden surface.  
“What do you want?” Came a rather annoyed voice from the other side.  
Swallowing hard you slowly opened the door and nervously peeked into the office, your line of sight instantly falling on the large oak desk in front of the leaded window.  
The captain was stood with his back to you leaning against it, a bottle of whiskey dangling from his right hand.  
“Captain Levi?” You called softly, stopping a few feet from his desk.  
“What?” Came the irritated reply, making you wince uncomfortably.  
“Commander Erwin is calling a meeting of all the officers Sir, your presence is requested.”  
“Tch, when?”  
“About an hour from now.”  
“Fine.”  
Worriedly biting your lip you approached the desk and moved to stand near the stoic captain, watching silently as he brought the bottle of whiskey to his lips and took a long swig.  
“Did you want something else?” He growled irritably, turning to face you and making you shrink back under his cold harsh glare.  
“N-no Sir, I was just a little concerned about you...I heard what happened to your squad, I’m sorry.”  
Levi simply turned away and refocused his attention on the setting sun, its golden rays casting long shadows over the training grounds and drawing away the last remnants of heat from the long day before the impending cold darkness of the night took hold.  
With a deep sigh you gracefully accepted yet another rejection and turned to walk away, looking back one last time before leaving the office and quietly closing the door behind you. Maybe you should just give up and find someone else, someone who actually appreciated the warmth within your heart that you so desperately wanted to share before you too met your inevitable fate.

Levi clicked his tongue upon hearing the office door close.  
He never really understood why you showed such a concerned attitude towards him, in a way he found it naive and a little bit foolhardy.  
You were supposed to be a soldier, emotion wasn’t supposed to enter into anything as far as he was concerned. Everyone was here for only one purpose: to work towards defeating the titans.  
Falling in love and looking for someone to build a life with was a stupid idea, one was bound to die and leave the other one behind to pick up the pieces. What was the point of it?  
Part of him thought it was endearing that you had such optimism about finding that one person who would give you a reason to live, a reason to fight...but it was still a foolish reason at the end of the day, hence he ignored you...being cruel to be kind, however he did sometimes question whether he reciprocated your feelings. Could he ever open up to someone and become their reason to see this war through to the end...to humanity’s victory?  
Shaking his thoughts from his head he hastily downed the rest of the bottle in his hand, wincing at the way it burned his throat when he swallowed it down before tossing it into the rubbish bucket under his desk and making his way to the main meeting room for Erwin’s post expedition debrief.


	2. Chapter 2

The meeting seemed to drag on for what felt like an eternity.  
Several of the chairs that were usually occupied by the other officers were left empty, not even all of them managed to survive the expedition.  
Levi sat with his arms folded and listened to Erwin say how they needed to rethink their strategy, train harder and longer, the usual excuses after such heavy losses.  
It made no difference to the stoic captain, soldiers were still dead and rotting in the stomachs of the titans. Their families still had to mourn the losses of their loved ones and the scouts that survived were left to wonder if they could’ve done anything to save their comrades.  
When the meeting was finally over, Levi found himself getting another two bottles of the strongest whiskey he could find...of course this was normally the best stuff reserved for formal meetings with the higher ups, from the cellar and heading up to sit on the battlements under the stars...the same way he used to when Farlan and Isabel were still alive.  
He cursed internally and unscrewed the lid of the first bottle, raising it to his lips and taking a long swig.  
Normally he remained sober thanks to an impressive alcohol tolerance that he couldn’t even explain, but tonight he had so much shit going on in his brain he just wanted to get completely off his head and block out the pain...by any means necessary.

Upon leaving the meeting room you headed back to your office and locked yourself in for the night.  
Changing into a baggy white jumper and a pair of plain white cotton trousers ready to sleep in when you finally gave in to your exhaustion, you made your way back out of the adjoining bedroom and over to your desk.  
Slumping down in the hard wooden chair you reached into one of the desk drawers, pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and sighed heavily.  
Tapping the pen against the desk you stared hard at the blank paper before you, trying to gather your thoughts. This was always a part of being an officer that you dreaded from day one, the ominous writing a letter of condolence to the family of a soldier whose life had been lost while serving under your command.  
It was one of those tasks that never seemed to get any easier, especially when there was no body or personal items to return to the family.  
Resting your chin on your hand you continued to impatiently tap the tip of the pen against the desk.  
You’d written several letters of condolence over the past four months, so why was this one so hard?  
“Like you don’t already know the answer to that question dumbass!” You scolded yourself aloud and threw the pen down, watching it bounce across the desk and eventually land on the stone floor.  
“Shit.”  
Pushing yourself up from the desk, you slowly moved to retrieve the object.  
However several loud knocks on the door halted your movements and pulled your attention towards it, your brows furrowing curiously.  
“Who the hell is that at this time of night?”

A violent chill soon began to sweep through the night air, whistling through the stone battlements at an eerie high pitch that broke the otherwise tranquil silence of the night.  
Levi still remained sat on the battlements by himself, staring up at the cloudless sky and stars above.  
It was a beautiful night, the stars sparkled like diamonds in the sea of dark blue above him, for a moment he could almost forget the pain and suffering he and his comrades were currently enduring.  
Clicking his tongue he lifted the bottle he was currently holding and leaned back, draining the last dregs of amber liquid from it before looking at it and curling his lip in frustration.  
“Tch!”  
That had been the last bottle he’d brought up here with him and it seemed his mission to get steaming drunk had failed...or had it?  
Swinging his les back over to the right side of the battlements, he hopped off the raised part and landed uneasily on the walkway, swaying slightly as he landed.  
He didn’t feel drunk, but then again he wasn’t sure if he was or not, he did know however that it wasn’t as easy to keep his balance as it normally was.  
Picking up the other bottle he started to make his way inside, a small hiccup escaping his lips as he fumbled with the heavy metal door bolt that would lead back into the relative warmth of the castle.  
Finally managing to open the heavy wooden door, he slammed his body into it as he took a shaky step forward, not caring if the loud bang that reverberated from the stone wall woke up the entire regiment.  
Clumsily closing it behind him he staggered along the empty torch lit corridors, the low burning orange flames doing little to warm the cold pale skin on his face. However he didn’t actually feel cold in himself, if anything he felt rather hot, but that could just have been the large amount of alcohol he had consumed.  
Shaking his head in frustration he dumped the bottles in the nearest rubbish bucket he could find, he might’ve been intoxicated but that didn’t mean his standards of cleanliness were suddenly lacking. Sobriety yes, neurotic obsession with cleanliness, definitely not.  
Staggering along the corridor he frowned curiously when he heard movement coming from one of the doors to his right, he wasn’t sure what it was but it sounded like someone tapping on wood.  
“Like you don’t already know the answer to that question dumbass!” Came a frustrated female voice.  
Levi blinked twice, he was certain he recognized that voice. It was that squad leader that was always trying to be friendly with him, f/n wasn’t it? He couldn’t actually think of your name at the moment.  
Normally he would’ve just told whoever it was to pipe down and try to get some rest before they drove themselves crazy, but of course he wasn’t himself at the moment and so he found himself knocking on your office door…

Opening the door, your eyes widened at the sight that greeted you.  
Captain Levi stood leaning slightly to his right, his eyes were bloodshot and he seemed unsteady on his feet, his cravat was also askew and he looked like he’d really hit the bottle hard.  
“Cap-Captain?” You questioned worriedly, brows furrowing in concern when he looked directly at you.  
“F/n…” He slurred, staggering into your room and turning to face you as you hastily closed the door behind him, there was no way you could let Erwin see him in this state, he’d go mad!  
“Help me forget.”  
“Wha-mmph!”  
Before you could say a word Levi lunged forward and pinned you against the door.  
The next thing you knew his hands were on your hips and his firm body pressed against yours as he started to sloppily kiss you.  
You winced and grunted, pushing him away and making him stumble back a few steps. His head cocked to one side and he stared at you in a somewhat confused manner.  
“What the hell was that?” You shrieked, wiping your mouth on the back of your jumper sleeve. “Captain you reek of alcohol! How much have you had to drink?”  
“I thought this what was you wanted?” Growled Levi, moving towards you once more. This time he grabbed your head, his cold hands gripping your h/l h/c hair and pulling you towards him in another attempt at a kiss. However this time you were ready for him.  
“Get the hell off me you drunk bastard!”  
You pushed him off and grabbed him by the collar of his jacket, opening the office door and with an incredible feat of strength, throwing him out into the corridor.  
In fact you managed to shove him hard enough that thanks to his intoxicated state, he lost his balance and crashed into the wall, hitting his head off the heavy stone and groaning as he collapsed in a heap against it.  
“Go find a booty call elsewhere, fucking midget!” You snarled, slamming the door shut and locking it behind him before pressing your back against it and trying to digest what had happened.  
You slowly raised a hand to your face and ran the tips of your fingers across your lips, your eyes widening in shock.  
What the hell was going on? You’d never seen Levi in such a state before, he was normally so calm and composed. So to see him like this was unnerving to say the least, but what bothered you more was the fact that he had made a drunken pass at you.  
Sure you wanted him to notice you in that way and if he’d had made a move on you while he was sober you might’ve responded in a more positive manner, but to think he could do something like this while he was intoxicated? What the hell was he thinking?  
Shaking your head in frustration you came to a sudden realization.  
He wasn’t thinking at all, he had lost his entire squad on this expedition. He was grieving, the last thing he was interested in was a booty call, it was comfort he was seeking...even if he was going about it wrong.  
With a sigh you unlocked the door and slowly opened it.  
“Oh Levi.” You muttered, staring at him sympathetically.  
He was still on his knees slumped against the wall with his chin resting on his chest, part of you was worried he’d been knocked out.  
“Hey can you hear me?” You asked cautiously, tentatively walking towards him and squatting next to him, you placed a hand on his shoulder and tried to look at his face.  
“Ugh.”  
“Yeah you’re still conscious.”  
Deciding you couldn’t just leave him out here all night you pulled his arm up and over your shoulder, gripping his wrist and wrapping your other arm around his waist you helped him to his feet and led him back into your office. Maybe you could let him sleep it off in your bed, you probably wouldn’t use it that night and you didn’t mind sleeping at your desk. In all honesty it was a rather bad post expedition habit you’d developed.  
“You feeling okay?”  
“Hmm? My head hurts.” He groaned groggily as you walked him over to your adjoining bedroom, slowly pushing the door open and ushering him inside.  
“Okay stay put, I’ll be back in a minute to have a look at it.”  
Sitting him down on the bed, you made your way back to your office and picked up the candle from your desk.  
Fortunately the pale moonlight that mingled with it’s orange glow helped illuminate your quarters.  
Re-entering the bedroom, you placed the candle down on the bedside table and carefully tilted Levi’s head towards the light, noticing a small trickle of blood on his temple.  
“Ah shit.” You muttered. “You’re bleeding, sorry that’s my fault. I must’ve shoved you out of the door too hard.”  
Levi didn’t respond, he simply sat and stared at you as you fumbled around in one of the drawers of the bedside table looking for some disinfectant and bandages.  
“F/n…” He said almost inaudibly. “Don’t leave me.”  
“What?” You questioned, your brows furrowing as you carefully brushed his raven bangs out of the way and began to clean his wound.  
“Stay with me.”  
He reached out and placed his hand on your shoulder, his bloodshot grey eyes meeting yours in an almost pleading manner.  
“Captain, you don’t know what you’re saying.” You replied sternly, placing a piece of gauze over the now clean wound and starting to wrap a bandage around his head.  
Levi sighed and let out a quiet “tch” as you finished your task.  
“You need to sleep off all that alcohol you knocked back.”  
Without protest Levi allowed you to remove his boots, jacket and cravat for him, his head was spinning as he watched you neatly fold them and place them on a chair in the corner of the dimly lit room.  
“Do you need help with your harness?” You said softly. “You might want to keep your shirt and trousers on though.”  
The raven haired captain grunted and fumbled with the chest and thigh straps of the ODM Gear harness, shrugging it off and handing it over. His eyes never left yours which made you feel all the more guilty for injuring him.  
“You’re probably going to have the hangover from hell in the morning.” You mused, carefully lifting his legs and helping him get comfortable before pulling the thin sheets up over him.  
When you moved to pick up the candle and leave the room, Levi’s arm shot out and a cold hand grabbed your arm, making you tense up.  
“Don’t go.”  
“I have work to do.”  
“Please.”  
You blinked rapidly at his use of the word “please” Levi never said please to anyone, he was one of the rudest men you’d ever known...and yet you still harboured feelings of affection towards him.  
Maybe you could stay with him just until he fell asleep and then sneak out and head back into your office?  
“Okay, I’ll stay.”  
You cautiously climbed into bed with your captain.  
Laying down and facing away from him so he couldn’t see the furious blush that was now dusting your cheeks, a small squeak of surprise escaped your lips as you felt a strong arm wrap around you from behind and pull you back against his firm chest, his face burying itself into your h/c tresses a moment later. He sighed deeply and intertwined his fingers with yours before relaxing and seemingly drifting off to sleep.  
“So much for retreating to my office and sleeping at my desk.” You muttered, testing the give of Levi’s grip and realizing you were trapped in a deathlock embrace.  
Exhaling deeply you resolved to simply resign yourself to fate and spend the night in the arms of your beloved captain.


	3. Chapter 3

The cold cruel darkness of the night soon gave way to the warm light of the golden sunrise, chasing away the ominous black shadows it left behind and rousing the world below from its peaceful slumber.  
You groaned in your sleep and rolled over, snuggling further into the warm body next to you and sighing in content when the strong natural musk the man sleeping next to you invaded your nostrils.  
Wait...there was someone else sleeping in your bed?  
Your e/c eyes snapped open, meeting with a mass of white fabric covering a firm muscular chest.  
Swallowing hard your gaze slowly travelled upwards until you were greeted by the still sleeping face of Captain Levi.  
You silently watched him for a moment and gently caressed his cheek, a small pan of sympathy gripping your heart and making you feel guilty about your harsh rejection towards his advances, even if he was completely out of his mind on drink. Deep down you knew it was the right thing to do, even though you wanted him, you refused to take advantage of him in such a way.  
Looking at the bandage around his head, your guilt only increased.  
You hadn’t meant to throw him against the wall when you tried to eject him from your office, but the fact that he was drunk hadn’t really helped.  
With a reluctant sigh, you withdrew your hand and wriggled out of his now thankfully loose grip on your body. Quietly climbing out of the bed and moving towards the wardrobe to retrieve a fresh uniform before heading into the private bathroom to get dressed. There was no way you were prepared to risk getting changed in front of Levi, even if he was currently sleeping.  
Exiting the bathroom you cautiously made your way into your office, quietly closing the bedroom door behind you.  
Part of you contemplated waking the raven haired captain, but in the end you decided it would be best to just leave him alone. The situation was going to be hard enough to explain without you making it even more awkward.  
Sitting yourself down at your desk, you picked up your pen and decided to try and make a start on the condolence letter you should have written last night, hopefully it would help take your mind off Levi and give you time to try and calm your nerves in preparation for the inevitable confrontations that were sure to come later that day.

The sound of the morning bugle heralding the start of the day for the Survey Corps regiment echoed across the battlements of their castle headquarters and cut through the peaceful tranquility of the morning, rousing the remaining scouts who had not awoken with the dawn.  
Levi grunted and rubbed his throbbing head, gritting his teeth and rolling over onto his back. Why the hell did his temples feel like they were being pounded on like someone trying to drive a rusty piece of metal into his brain?  
He blinked rapidly upon feeling the fabric of something wrapped around his skull, what was that? A bandage? Furthermore when did he remove everything except for his shirt and trousers before climbing into bed?  
That was something else that made no sense to him, he never slept in a bed for the simple fact that he suffered from insomnia so regularly. It was often easier to just sleep in the chair at the desk in his office.  
Hesitantly pushing himself upright he winced and groaned, a strong wave of dizziness and nausea overwhelming him.  
Fighting it back, he looked around the bright sunlit room, frowning in confusion at the layout.  
The wardrobe was on the opposite side of the room to where it usually was, the thin curtains that covered the window were also situated in a different location to where they normally were.  
A moment later the realization finally dawned on him...this wasn’t his bedroom, but if that was the case then whose room was he actually in?  
Trying to ignore the throbbing ache of his head he found his uniform neatly folded on a chair in the corner of the room near the window and proceeded to climb out of the bed and get dressed.

You finally managed to finish writing the condolence letter and sealed it into a plain envelope, ready to deliver it to the fallen soldier’s family.  
With a deep sigh you tucked it into the inner pocket of your jacket and slumped forward, resting your arms on the desk and placing your chin on your palms you sighed, closing your eyes and gathering your thoughts again.  
A few seconds later the sound of the bedroom door opening caught your attention, making your eyes instantly open and your head turn to face the figure that stood in the doorway.  
“Oh Captain!” You gasped, immediately standing up. “You’re awake, how are you feeling?”  
Levi slowly blinked at you and frowned, walking into the office.  
“Why the hell did I wake up in your bed f/n?”  
“Ah, erm...well…” You nervously averted your gaze for a moment before shakily continuing your explanation. “You erm, came here last night Sir. You were completely out of it on whatever you’d been drinking and you...um...you tried to...kiss me.”  
“Is that your idea of a joke?” Growled Levi angrily, wincing a moment later as the throbbing in his skull flared up again.  
“No Sir I’m being completely serious. You tried to kiss me and told me to help you forget...I have no idea what you meant by that but…”  
Levi furrowed his brows and stared directly into your e/c eyes, searching for any sign that you were lying.  
His memories of the previous night were hazy at best, he vaguely remembered sitting on the battlements drowning his sorrows in expensive whiskey which he stole from the cellar, which he needed to make sure Erwin never found out about. After that his mind was a complete blank.  
“Say I believed you.” He snorted, folding his arms. “What makes you think I would kiss you?”  
“You arrogant fucking pig!” You snarled, purposefully raising your voice and fighting back tears of anger. You didn’t care that he was your superior at the moment, there was no way you were going to be spoken to like a piece of shit he’d just scraped off the bottom of his boot. “Why would I lie? What would I have to gain from it? I should have left you out in the corridor when I kicked you out! Oh and for the record Sir, I rejected you so don’t flatter yourself into thinking I actually wanted to make out with you!”  
“Tch, lower your damned voice for fucks sake.” Groaned Levi, rubbing his sore temples with his fingertips. “I didn’t mean it like that, I just meant why would I try and make a move on you while I was intoxicated?”  
“How the fuck should I know?”  
Frustration was rapidly building inside you, he really couldn’t remember a thing about last night could he?  
You could’ve been anyone for all he knew, but if that was truly the case then why had he turned up at your door, used your name when he was trying to kiss you and begging you not to leave him? It just didn’t make any sense to you.  
“Look, long story short.” You sighed, rubbing a hand across your eyes. “I rejected your advances and threw you out. I unintentionally injured you which I apologize for, so I patched you up and let you stay here so I could make sure you were alright rather than take you back to your quarters.”  
“So nothing happened?”  
“Apart from you trying to kiss me and then clinging to me all night begging me not to leave you, no Sir. Nothing happened.”  
Levi clicked his tongue and nodded, refusing to meet your gaze.  
“I see.”  
An awkward silence descended over the office, the tension was in the air was so thick you could’ve cut it with a knife.  
Swallowing hard you tried to muster the courage to speak, however before you could open your mouth, Levi decided to make a hasty exit without so much as a thank you or an apology for the events of last night.  
Your jaw dropped open as the office door closed behind him, unable to believe what had just happened.  
Slumping back down into your chair with a small thud a shaky sob you had been struggling to hold back finally escaped your parted lips. Burying your face into your hands, you openly wept and cursed yourself for having feelings for such an emotionally challenged man such as Levi.

After having breakfast Levi felt slightly better, he was still a little dizzy but at least the throbbing pain in his skull wasn’t as intense anymore.  
Closing his office door behind him he made his way to his desk and placed down the pile of post expedition paperwork that Commander Erwin had given him to start filling out ready to be sent back to Premier Zackly and the higher ups in Wall Sina.  
Erwin had of course noticed the bandage around his head and questioned him about it, but Levi simply lied and told him that he was tired after the expedition and didn’t bother lighting a candle when he went to use the bathroom, which had resulted in his walking into the door.  
Thankfully the commander believed him, dismissing him with a chuckle and a sarcastic remark about the dangers of stumbling around in a pitch black room.  
Sitting down at his desk, Levi rubbed his sore temple again and stared at the pile of paperwork, wondering if he was going to be able to focus on it.  
It didn’t help that he was making his lingering trying to wrap his brain around how he had ended up spending the night in your bed.  
Anything after sitting on the battlements brooding and drinking was still an empty black hole in his brain, the only explanations that made any sense to him were that he’d either managed to get drunk for the first time in his life and that was the cause of his memory loss, or you had actually made him his head hard enough to induce amnesia.  
The other thing he couldn’t understand was why you were saying he tried to kiss you, yet when he looked into your eyes he deemed you to be telling the truth, furthermore the way you reacted when he asked why he would do such a thin spoke volumes. His throw away comment had actually genuinely hurt you, in fact he had been half expecting you to storm over and slap him.  
The truth of the matter was that he wouldn’t even attempt to become friends with any of the other scouts, not after losing Isabel and Farlan. So becoming romantically involved with someone was the last thing he wanted to do.  
It wasn’t that you were in someway repulsive to him, quite the opposite in fact.  
Levi wasn’t afraid to admit that you were an attractive young woman as well as a skilled soldier.  
You were also kind and had a caring attitude towards your comrades, himself included. It was something he had noticed about you right away and respected you for, even more so when you became a squad leader.  
He grunted and shook his head, maybe he should thank you for taking care of him while he was intoxicated last night and he sure as hell owed you an apology for his actions.  
Looking through his paperwork he furrowed his brows when he came across a rather messily written titan observation report that Erwin wanted him to sign off.  
“Tch damnit Four Eyes.”  
Pulling it out from the stack, he stood up and left the office to return the document to its annoying owner and demand a copy that was at least legible and not covered in coffee stains.

Section Commander Hanji Zoe tutted and continued to look through the messy pile of paperwork on her desk, barely registering the sound of someone knocking on her office door until they called her name.  
“Come in!” She shouted, frowning at the state of her desk, cleanliness was never her strong suit, but it wasn’t the clutter that was bothering her.  
“Hey Hanji, can we talk?”  
“F/n!” Squealed the bespectacled brunette. “Perfect timing, I could really use your help. I’ve lost my titan observation report rough draft from yesterday expedition, can you help me find it?”  
“Oh, erm. Yeah sure.”  
Approaching the desk you raised an eyebrow at the untidy stacks of scruffily written reports from the field and experiment observations that haphazardly covered it.  
“Sweetie, are you okay? You look a little upset.”  
“Not really Hanji, look can we talk?”  
“Sure we can, is it about yesterday?” She asked, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder.  
“Well yeah, but...it’s more about what happened when we got back here.”  
Hanji hummed thoughtfully and cleared the papers off her desk, stuffing them into the bottom drawer where they would probably be forgotten about for the next week.  
“Okay my dear, what’s on your mind?”  
You nervously drew breath and began to explain about what happened between you and Levi.  
“Well, I’m not sure what the hell caused it exactly, but Captain Levi came to my office last night and...made a drunken pass at me…”  
“Shut up!” She gasped, her puppy brown eyes going as wide as saucers behind her glasses.  
“It’s not funny Hanji!” You protested. “I was mortified!”  
“What for? You’ve been dying to lock lips with Shorty for months!”  
“I should’ve known this was a stupid idea.”  
“Oh f/n wait! Don’t go!” She called when you stood up to leave, reaching across the desk and grabbing the sleeve of your jacket. She wiped the silly grin from her face and replaced it with one of sincere apology. “I’m sorry Sweetie, I promise not to make fun of you.”  
“Fine.” You huffed, sitting down and folding your arms when she released you. “I don’t know why he did it, but he was drunk and he asked me to “help him forget” whatever that means. You got any ideas?”  
“Hmm.” The bespectacled brunette pursed her lips thoughtfully and leaned back in her seat. “Help me forget. I guess he could be talking about the expedition, I take it you heard about his squad being ambushed and him being the only survivor?”  
“Yeah I did, so do you think that’s what he meant?”  
Hanji clicked her tongue and rolled her eyes.  
“It’s a possibility, Shorty never likes to talk about how he’s feeling as we all know. He’s a very private person, especially when it comes to his emotions.”  
“So you think he might’ve just been seeking comfort?” You asked, cocking your head to one side.  
“Yeah it sounds that way, but what I don’t understand is why he tried to kiss you.”  
“That probably only happened because he was drunk.” You mused. “I mean when I rejected him the first time he said “I thought this was what you wanted” and then tried again.”  
“Well he’s clearly noticed you have feelings for him so he can’t have been that drunk, to be honest I didn’t even know he was capable of becoming intoxicated.”  
“If you want my honest opinion I don’t think he knew what he was doing.”  
“So what happened after you threw him out?”  
You nervously bit your lip and continued to recall the event of the previous night.  
“I shoved him a little too hard and he hit his head off the wall and collapsed.”  
“Wow you managed to knock Shorty on his ass?” Laughed Hanji, a manic smile gracing her features. “You go girl!”  
“Hanji it’s not funny!” You snapped. “I really hurt him! I was worried I’d given him a concussion.”  
“So what happened next?”  
“Well I took him back into my room to patch him up, I decided he could stay in my bed and I’d sleep at my desk, but he became really...I dunno…”  
Hanji’s brows furrowed, but she silently waited for you to continue.  
“He asked me not to leave him, practically pleaded with me to stay and not to back into my office. He even said please!”  
“Wow!” She gasped, pushing her glasses further up her nose with her index finger. “That’s not like Shorty at all!”  
“I know!” You agreed, leaning forward in your seat you rested your arms on the desk and continued. “So I decided I would oblige him, you know just stay with him until he fell asleep. Let’s just say it didn’t work out that way, I ended up spending the night trapped in his arms with him nuzzling my neck and holding my hand. Seriously Hanji no matter what I tried I couldn’t escape!”  
“What about this morning? How did he react when he came round?”  
“Oh I managed to get away about an hour before he woke up.” You replied, a deep frown spreading across your face as you recalled him walking out of your bedroom. “He accused me of being a liar when I told him what happened, I dunno if I managed to convince him I was telling the truth.”  
Hanji smiled sympathetically and rested a hand on your arm giving it a light squeeze.  
“It sounds to me like he could be just as confused as you are, give him some space and when you’ve both calmed down try and talk to him about what happened.”  
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” You questioned worriedly, the last thing you wanted to do was raise the subject of what had and hadn’t happened between you.  
“I tell you what, why don’t I talk to him? See what he says and then maybe you could take it from there?”  
“I guess if you think it will help.” You shrugged. “Listen thanks for the chat Hanji, but I have to go off base for a while.”  
“Oh? Why is that?”  
You sighed and closed your eyes, fighting back tears and trying to remain calm.  
“I have a condolence letter that I need to deliver in person, I’d feel awful if I didn’t.”  
“Ah, I see.” She smiled sympathetically and squeezed your arm again. “Well, if you need to talk again when you get back, you know where to find me.”  
“Yeah I do, thanks Hanji.”  
Hanji smiled and nodded, opening her mouth to speak, however before she could her office door flew open and a rather irritated looking raven haired male with cold grey eyes walked in carrying a crumpled piece of paper in his right hand.  
“Hey Shitty Glasses!” He growled lowly, holding up the offending item. “Care to explain why this was in my paperwork?”  
“I better go.” You muttered, wiping your eyes and standing up. “See you later Hanji.”  
“Bye Sweetie, I hope everything goes okay.”  
You kept your head down as you dashed past Levi, hoping and praying that he wasn’t looking at you, which unfortunately he was.  
He briefly raised an eyebrow when you couldn’t seem to get out of the office fast enough before turning his full attention back to Hanji.  
“So what can I do for you Shorty?” She smiled, gesturing to the seat you had recently occupied.  
“If you want me to sign off your stupid titan observation reports, you could at least make them legible.”  
“Oh you found it? I’ve been looking all over for it! Thanks Shorty.”  
“Tch, write it up again so I can actually read it this time!”  
Hanji giggled and folded her arms, watching him turn to leave the office.  
“So how’s the hangover this morning?”  
Levi froze and clenched his fists, so that was why you couldn’t get out of the room fast enough. You’d been talking to this titan loving freak about what went on last night, he made a mental note to confront you about this when he saw you again.  
“I’m actually jealous you know Levi.” Mused Hanji, cocking her head to one side, a shit eating grin playing on her lips. If there was one thing she loved more than titans, it was winding up her raven haired comrade. “You usually come to me when something is bothering you? Am I not good enough for you anymore?”  
“Tch, piss off Shitty Glasses.”  
“She lost someone she cared about too yesterday.” She replied in a more serious tone of voice. “It might not have been her entire squad, but they were still someone she cared about deeply.”  
Levi slowly turned back to face her and folded his arms, silently staring at her.  
Hanji was extremely perceptive when it came to reading people’s facial expressions and body language, of course he was no exception to the rule and since she was one of the few people in the regiment he could say he truly trusted, he often found himself confiding in her. Erwin wasn’t in any particular hurry to get the results of this expedition sent back to the higher ups in Wall Sina, so he could afford to take some time out to get things off his chest before dealing with the stack of paperwork back in his office.  
“I’ll make us some tea shall I Shorty? You look like you need it.”


	4. Chapter 4

Hanji placed a fresh cup of black tea down on the desk in front of Levi before returning to her seat and placing her own down and folding her arms.   
“So what exactly happened Shorty?” She questioned, trying not to sound like she was about to start an interrogation. “It’s not like you to get completely off your head on booze and then go searching for someone to get your end away with.”  
Levi angrily narrowed his cold grey eyes, just what the hell had you said to her?   
“Tch, I didn’t get drunk for the intention of having sex Shitty Glasses!” He growled. “I don’t even know how or why I ended up at her office, it just happened.”  
“Hey there’s no shame in seeking out the company of another to try and relieve the stress of what we see on a daily basis! Hell I’ve often indulged in a little night time fun with Moblit when things get on top of me!”   
She giggled at her unintentional pun, however Levi failed to see the funny side of it.  
“I don’t lower myself to indulging in such lewd activities.”  
Hanji cleared her throat, growing serious and looking at the captain over the top of her glasses.  
“Well she’s just as confused as you are about what happened last night. By the way, what did you mean when you asked her to “help you forget” Levi? Furthermore why did you try and kiss her if you didn’t want some form of intimacy with her?”  
Levi blinked and furrowed his brows, was Hanji seriously that dense?  
Had she not just taken part in the same bloody expedition that he had? Surely she had pretty much just answered her own question? He wanted to forget the pain of losing his entire squad, forget the survivor’s guilt he felt for being the only one who escaped the titan’s insatiable appetite for human flesh.  
“Did you just want to someone to confide in?” She asked curiously, flashing him a sympathetic smile. “F/n is rather taken with you by the way, you do realize that don’t you? It’s the reason she let you stay in her room for the night after she accidentally wounded you.”  
“Tch that brat is friendly with everyone.” Remarked Levi, leaning forward and reaching for his tea and picking up the cup by its rim. “Besides I already told you, I don’t know why I ended up going to her office.”  
Hanji sighed and shook her head, this wasn’t going to be easy to explain, but she had to at least try.  
“Listen Levi.” She began, choosing her words carefully. “A lot of people believe that when we are intoxicated, we are more prone to being honest and open about or feelings. Is it possible that you went to f/n because you...care for her as more than just a comrade?”  
The raven haired captain remained silent, staring at her with a raised eyebrow.  
Did he have feelings for you? He wasn’t entirely sure in all honesty.  
He did know for certain was that he didn’t want to see any harm befall you, he may not have shown it but he noticed the way you sometimes acted different around him. He was secretly fond of the way you would often afford him an embarrassed laugh at his crude sense of humor and offer to bring him some tea if he was working late. In fact he was rather grateful for that, you made better tea than Hanji in any case, but that didn’t mean that he had feelings for you...did it?  
“I don’t know.” He admitted lowly, raising his cup to his lips and sipping the warm black liquid. He winced slightly at the weak taste of it, clearly Hanji had been in too much of a hurry and not left it to stand long enough and let the tea leaves infuse with the water. “I care about all of my comrades, but that doesn’t mean I want to kiss any of them.”  
“You’re missing the point Shorty!” Laughed Hanji. “Despite being completely out of it, you managed to call her by her name twice, so you knew it was her. I think you did actively seek her out as a source of comfort because you care about her as more than a comrade, but you just went about telling her the wrong way”  
“What are you trying to say exactly?”  
“I’m saying I believe you do have feelings for her deep down and as I’ve already said, you called her by name twice. Plus on the second occasion when she was tending to that wound on your head, you apparently begged her not to leave you.”  
“I don’t remember anything after sitting on the battlements drinking.” He muttered, averting his gaze and sipping his tea again, feeling his face heat up as a light blush dusted his usually pale cheeks.  
Hanji nodded and pursed her lips thoughtfully.  
Throughout their little chat she had been meticulously studying Levi’s body language and reactions to her enquiries.  
One thing she had noticed was that when she asked Levi how he felt about you, he seemed hesitant to answer, a reaction which usually only occurred when someone wasn’t entirely sure of themselves or possibly in denial of any feelings they may have deep beneath the surface.  
Leaning forward she picked up her own cup of tea in an unusually dainty fashion considering how heavy handed she usually was, raising it to her lips she took a small sip and looked Levi straight in the eye.   
Her inquisitive nature took over and she decided to test the waters, the usually stoic captain’s reaction to this piece of information was bound to yield some answers as to how he truly felt about you, if she could just word it appropriately.  
“You know Levi, I don’t want to sound harsh because I can easily tell your suffering with survivor’s guilt at the moment over not being able to save your squad, but f/n also lost someone she cared deeply for as well yesterday.”  
Levi kept his expression neutral, however his right eye twitched ever so slightly.  
“I won’t go into details out of respect for f/n but...he was a very important part of her life.”  
“He?” Questioned Levi, his brows furrowing as a deep frown settled over his features.   
Could that be the reason you had rejected him?   
He had accepted that you weren’t lying about what happened, he had the bump and cut on his head to prove you were telling the truth about injuring him and he’d seen for himself the lack of self control some people had while they were intoxicated.  
He opened his mouth to speak again but then thought better of it. It wasn’t really his place to question why you had tried to kick him out after his failed attempt to kiss you and he had no right to demand an explanation.  
This “he” Hanji spoke of, could he have been your lover? No that didn’t seem right, you would’ve one into more detail of why you rejected him. Although there was the possibility you had been harboring feelings for this person but never to the chance to tell them? Maybe you were friends from your cadet years? There was an infinite number of explanations as to who this person was.  
“Oh don’t worry, there were no romantic feelings involved if that’s what you’re wondering.” Said Hanji, her voice instantly interrupting his line of thought. “He wasn’t her lover.”  
“Tch, does it matter?” He growled, angrily knocking back the last mouthful of tea and placing the cup back on the table with a light thud.  
“I saw the look on your face when I mentioned it was a he and not a she.” Smiled Hanji knowingly. “Your frown, the way your body went rigid and the fact you nearly cracked the cup when you put it down spoke volumes. You were jealous!”  
“Piss off Shitty Glasses”  
“Levi it’s okay, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.” She reasoned. “You’re only human. I’m sure even someone as emotionally challenged as you is capable of caring about someone on a level deeper than just...hey wait! Where are you going?”  
Her puppy brown eyes widened as she pushed her chair back, the sound of wood scraping across stone echoing through the small office. However by the time she was on her feet preparing to follow, Levi had already stood up and walked towards the door, covering the short distance in less than three steps.  
“Levi!” She called, wincing as he roughly pulled the heavy wooden door open and stepped through it. Without looking back he then slammed it closed a moment later, causing the cups on the table to shake slightly from the force of it.  
“Classic case of jealousy, he definitely has feelings for her.” She sighed, sitting down and reaching into the bottom drawer for the messy pile of papers she had shoved into it earlier. “He’s just too stubborn to admit it.”

After Levi had left your office, you had thrown yourself into your post expedition report to try and take your mind off the stoic captain, which thankfully worked much to your relief.  
Handing it in to Commander Erwin just before midday you had then requested permission to leave the headquarters for the afternoon.   
The day following an expedition was usually classed as a rest and recuperation period anyway to allow the battle weary soldiers to relax and deal with the aftermath before returning to normal duties, but the rules weren’t so lacking that you were allowed to just wander off without prior permission. 

After preparing your horse, you began the long ride to the village where your former comrade had been raised.   
It was a quaint little place about a two hours ride at a gallop from the Survey Corps’s castle headquarters.  
The village had cobblestone roads with a raised footpath for pedestrians, all of the buildings were of small stone construct with heavy kiln fired clay roof tiles and wooden framed windows, there was a windmill and blacksmiths slightly to the west of the residential area and several small fields to the south where many of the villagers grew crops to trade at the small market in the heart of the community.   
The residents who didn’t farm the land were in the employ of the large merchant companies that frequented the main city district and also owned the large quarry a few miles to the east, you often compared the small villages scattered around the main wall territories to the Survey Corps: everyone had their own specific duties to attend to, yet they all chipped in to keep things running smoothly.  
You sighed deeply as you guided your horse off the dusty country track and onto the cobbled main road leading into the village, passing by children happily playing near a large weathered stone fountain while several burly looking men loaded up a heavy wooden cart with various tools and supplies to take to the workers in the quarry.  
“Look a scout!” Shouted one of the children, a small boy who couldn’t have been more than seven years old. He pointed at you and smiled, encouraging his friends to follow when you led your horse towards the fountain to allow it a drink before continuing your journey. “What do you suppose she is doing here?”  
“Who cares?” Said one of his friends. “I wanna know how many titans they’ve killed!”  
“Not nearly enough.” You muttered bitterly under your breath, stroking your horse’s silky mane as it lowered its head and drank from the fountain.  
When it was finished, you gently tugged the reins and clicked your tongue, encouraging it to walk on.  
Nervously biting your lip you approached the large windmill and blacksmiths building on the western edge of the village that opened out back onto the open green fields of the countryside.  
Gently pulling back on the reins you brought your horse to a halt and dismounted, clicking your tongue and encouraging the animal to follow you as you made your way over to the yard of the blacksmith's workshop.  
“Erm, excuse me?” You called timidly, trying to make yourself heard over the sound of the heavy hammer hitting the red hot metal resting on the anvil as the blacksmith worked.  
He looked up and frowned at the sound of someone trying to get his attention, his eyes instantly focusing on you and widening slightly when he noticed your military uniform.   
“To what do we warrant a visit from the Survey Corps regiment?” He asked in a gruff voice, placing the piece of metal he was currently working on into a large vat of cold water, causing a loud hiss to fill their air as steam bellowed from it.  
“My name is Squad Leader f/n l/n. May we speak inside?”  
The blacksmith blinked rapidly, his jaw twitching slightly at your words.  
“Is this about my son?”  
You closed your eyes for a moment, fighting back tears and swallowing hard. Thankfully you managed to regain your composure, tightening your grip on the leather reins you silently nodded.  
“I see.” Sighed the blacksmith, making you wonder if he already knew the reason for your visit.  
“Feel free to put your horse in the field to the rear of this building, I’ll be back in a moment to show you where to go, I just need to inform my wife that we have a visitor.”  
“Thank you, I appreciate your hospitality.”   
The blacksmith grunted in acknowledgement before briskly making his way over to the windmill a few meters away, leaving you stood alone in the workshop yard.  
A wave of unease washed over you as you silently awaited his return, desperately trying to form a plan in your mind of how you were going to tell these two hardworking innocent citizens of humanity that their beloved son was never coming home.

Having returned to his office, Levi decided to try and press on with his post expedition paperwork.  
His talk with Hanji had done little alleviate his bad mood, in fact truth be told it had made it worse.  
Usually when he confided in her about how he was feeling, he felt a lot calmer.   
Not today however...today he had actually had to leave the room before he ended up losing his temper.  
What annoyed him the most however was the fact that now the bespectacled section commander had divulged that you too were grieving the loss of a member of your squad, a male at that, he was driving himself mad wondering exactly who this person had been to you and why Hanji had assumed he was jealous upon finding out this piece of information.  
Was he jealous? He certainly wasn’t happy about it, that was for sure.  
Picking up the nearest document his cold grey eyes scanned over it, yet more of the same bullshit questions from the higher ups that he needed to answer regarding the layout of the land, where the titans seemed to be gathering and how great their numbers were.  
“Tch, do those pigs honestly think we give a shit about how many titans there are gathering in one location when our comrades are being slaughtered and eaten right in front of is?” He snarled, tossing the stack of papers back onto the hard wooden surface of the desk.  
Leaning back in his seat he growled in frustration and closed his eyes, letting his head fall back over the chair as he gripped the wooden arm rests.   
“Help me forget.”  
The words kept echoing in his mind over and over again, it seemed they were almost burned into his brain.   
Opening his eyes he stood up and walked over to the lead lined window behind the desk, staring out at the vast fields and forests that made up the regiments training grounds.  
Folding his arms he furrowed his brows and started to mentally retrace his steps from the moment he returned to his office last night and opened that first bottle of whiskey.  
After the meeting he had gone down to the cellar and got two more bottles of whiskey before heading up to the battlements and knocking them back rather quickly, that accounted for him being drunk, but what happened after that?  
Closing his eyes and gritting his teeth, he tried to force himself to focus on what he had been feeling as he sat on the battlements watching the stars, however nothing seemed to spring out at him.   
Growling in frustration and shaking his head, he decided his best bet was probably to go and try talking to you again.  
You probably didn’t want to see him but that was tough, he wasn’t afraid to pull rank in an effort to make you to stay put and try to help him find the answers he so desperately needed.  
He left the office and briskly made his way to yours, his boot heels clicking loudly off the stone floor as he picked up his pace when he drew nearer.  
Raising his fist he knocked rather loudly three times and folded his arms, waiting for an answer, however none came.  
“Oi f/n, are you in there?” He shouted through the heavy wood, deciding to try the cold metal handle and frowning upon discovering the door was locked.  
“Oh is she not back yet?”  
Levi turned around and raised an eyebrow when Hanji appeared at his side.  
“Where is she?”  
“Commander Erwin gave her permission to go off base after she finished her post expedition report, that was a couple of hours ago mind you. I was hoping she would be back for lunch but it seems that isn’t going to be the case.”  
Levi looked at the office door once more and clicked his tongue thoughtfully, he had a clear view of the stable yard from his office window. Hopefully if he kept a close eye out he might be able to catch her when he returned, although there was no telling when that might be.  
“Oh by the way Shorty, I’ve finished my official copy of that titan observation report from last. You know I still have no idea why you ended up with my rouh field draft...”  
“Probably because you’re an idiot with no clue on how to file things properly.” Stated the raven haired captain, turning on his heels and walking back to his office.  
“So no luck remembering what else happened last night?” She questioned, jogging to catch up with him.  
“Tch, do you think I would’ve gone to try and ask f/n if I had? Idiot!”  
“Well you could always try talking to her when she gets back, just go easy on her though, I doubt she’s going to be in a good frame of mind.”  
“Whatever. Did you actually want something?”  
“Only to give you this!” She smiled, pushing the papers she had been carrying into his hands before happily skipping away.  
Rolling his eyes, Levi quickly scanned through the report as he walked, noticing that it was just as scruffily written as her rough notes from the field.  
“Damnit Shitty Glasses!”

After being shown to the field where the blacksmith had kindly allowed you to leave your horse, you followed him back through his workshop to the living quarters of the small house he shared with his wife.  
“Please have a seat.” He said evenly, gesturing to a simple wooden table in the middle of the modest sized kitchen area.  
“Thank you.” You replied quietly, pulling out a chair and looking towards the door when it opened and a woman walked through it. Presuming it to be the blacksmith’s wife you waited until she reached the table before sitting down.  
“This is Squad Leader f/n l/n.” Said the blacksmith, gesturing to you as he and his wife took their seats.  
“May I enquire as to the reason for your visit?” She asked nervously, watching you sit down and clasp your hands in your lap.  
“It is my unfortunate duty as your son’s commanding officer to inform you that he has died in the line of duty.” You said solemnly, looking her straight in the eyes.   
“No!” Gasped the blacksmith’s wife, her trembling hands instantly raising to her face and covering her mouth.  
“You have my deepest condolences, he was a brave soldier...and a very good friend.”  
“What...what happened to him?” Asked the blacksmith, his brows furrowing as he watched you reach into your pocket for the letter you had written and handing it over.  
“There was an abnormal ambush, his gear malfunctioned and…” You took a moment to regain your composure as your voice became shaky. “I wasn’t quick enough to save him, by the time I managed to reach him it was too late.”  
“He was eaten?”   
“I’m sorry but yes, he was swallowed whole.”  
The blacksmith’s wife screamed out in anguish, shaking her head violently and turning to her husband, sobbing into his shoulder as he embraced her.  
“So we have no body to bury?” Growled the blacksmith, his harsh voice making you flinch. “Our son is gone and we have nothing left of him? No personal belongings? Nothing?”  
“He was a valued member of my squad, I did my best to try and save him but…”  
“Well your best clearly wasn’t good enough was it?” He snarled, making you jump back in your seat, your watering e/c eyes widening at his words. “You call yourself a Squad Leader, you’re a weak excuse for a soldier! You shouldn’t be commanding anyone if you can’t protect them!”  
“He didn’t suffer, it was a quick death.” You tried, it was a feeble attempt to soften the blow you had just delivered, but you needed to try and make them realize that this loss had impacted on you as well as them. “Your son died with honor, he fought valiantly to the very end.”  
“How is being eaten an honorable death?” Screamed the blacksmith’s wife, screwing up the unopened condolence letter and throwing it back at you. “We lost our son...our only child? You don’t have children so I don’t expect you to understand!”  
“I think you should leave...Squad Leader.” Stated her husband in a low voice, his eyes narrowed dangerously. It was clear to you in an instant that you were no longer welcome in their home.  
“I am truly sorry for your loss.” You said lowly, standing up and giving them a salute.  
“Save your pathetic gestures for someone who cares!”  
Swallowing hard you pushed your chair back under the table and slowly made your way out of their house, closing the door behind you and looking up towards the sky.  
Dark clouds were starting to form over the landscape, the promise of an inevitable storm brewing hung in the air as thickly as the pain and anger that currently gripped your aching heart.  
Blinking back tears you made your way back to the field where your horse was, if you hurried you would be able to make it back to base before the heavens opened up and unleashed a torrent of heavy rain upon you.


	5. Chapter 5

Hanji put her pen down and leaned back in her seat, stretching her arms above her head.  
“Ah finally!” She smiled, staring at the now completed pile of paperwork. “Now what to do for the rest of the day?”  
Before she could contemplate further, the loud patter of from the sudden downpour of rain hitting the leaded window of her office caught her attention.  
Turning to look behind her she frowned at the thick dark clouds that covered the sky, watching her comrades in the courtyard hastily pull their jackets up over their heads and run to the sheltered walkways as the large fat drops of water soaked the land.  
“Wow it’s really coming down hard and fast out there.” Mused the bespectacled brunette, she had guessed it would rain by the onset of dark clouds, but hadn’t thought it would be as bad as what it was at the moment. “I hope f/n managed to make it back before this started.”  
She was extremely worried about your frame of mind after the expedition, but even more so after what happened with Levi. Part of her wondered if she should’ve offered to accompany you to break the news to your squad mate’s death to his parents, but in the end decided against it.  
You’d probably only have told her that you were an adult now and didn’t need her to hold your hand.  
She sighed and frowned, keeping her gaze fixed on the large fat drops of rain streaking down the window.  
You’d been a member of her squad since joining the Survey Corps four years ago as a rebellious sixteen year old, so in a way she considered herself like a mother figure to you.  
She had took you under her wing, trained you for expeditions, comforted you when you were upset and then when you were promoted to squad leader she had stood by and watched proudly as news of your promotion was announced to the entire regiment.  
Humming thoughtfully she turned her attention back to her desk, picking up the pile of completed paperwork she decided to make her way to Erwin’s office and hand it in ready for him to check it over and send to the higher ups in Wall Sina.

Levi looked up from grooming his horse, furrowing his brows at the heavy rhythmic splatter of rapidly falling rain landing on the stable’s slate roof and dripping onto the flag stones that made up the yard below.  
“Tch, typical.” He muttered, resuming brushing his horse’s silky black tail. The weather seemed to match his current mood, especially since he was now starting to remember some of what had happened the previous night...  
A few minutes later the slow clip clop of hooves over the wet ground broke through the sound of the rain, followed by a small splash of a pair of a pair of boots landing in a shallow puddle.  
“Come on boy.” Said a gentle female voice.  
Levi halted his actions and looked towards the stall door, he was sure he recognized who that softly spoken tone belonged to.  
Putting the brush down and gently patting the large horse’s neck, he stepped out of the stall and looked over to the neighboring one on the right, silently watching as the scout led their horse into it and pulled down the hood of their dark green cloak and revealing a head of h/l h/c hair.  
He watched silently as you gently stroked your horse’s muzzle, earning you a gentle snort and a nudge of its large head.  
“F/n?” Questioned the stoic captain in a sterner tone than he had intended, staring emotionlessly at you when you gasped and spun around to face him.   
Something seemed off about you.  
You’re e/c eyes were puffy and bloodshot, you’d obviously been crying recently.  
The usual happy go lucky demeanour you always wore was now replaced with the expression of someone who had just had their whole world torn apart right in front of them.  
“Captain Levi!” You stuttered, forcing yourself to meet his gaze for a moment before you lost your nerve and turned away, busying yourself with starting to remove your horse’s saddle.  
“I want to talk to you again about last night.” He stated evenly, his frown deepening slightly.  
“Oh...um, okay.”  
You swallowed hard and continued fiddling with the saddle straps, working them loose before removing it completely and placing it on the stall door ready to be put away. You then returned to your horse and started to loosen its bridle and reins.  
“Tell me again what happened, my mind is still hazy.”  
“Well Sir, you came to my office just before midnight, you were quite drunk but you knew who I was.”  
Levi nodded and folded his arms, silently encouraging you to continue.  
“You then asked me to “help you forget” and after that you tried to kiss me.”  
You had purposefully decided to leave out the part where he had tried again with a little more force after your first rejection, the last thing you wanted was for word of what happened to become common knowledge and destroy the respect your fellow scouts held for him both as a captain and a comrade.  
“Then when you rejected me I tried again and that was when you kicked me out of your office and caused me to hit my head on the wall.”   
You gasped and dropped the bridle, not sure what to say or do next.  
“My memory is starting to come back to me in bits and pieces.” Said Levi in a low tone, keeping his steel eyed gaze firmly fixed on you. “You had every right to throw me out...I can only apologize for my actions.”  
“Well, you were drunk Sir…” You mused quietly. “You weren’t thinking straight and I know you wouldn’t do something like that on purpose. I’m sorry I didn’t mention it but I didn’t want to soil your reputation…”  
“That’s no excuse!” He growled, making you flinch. “Furthermore do I look like I give a shit what people think of me? Let me answer that question for you, I don’t.”  
“Sorry Sir.” You replied timidly, slowly bending down to retrieve the bridle from the straw covered stone floor of your horse’s stall.  
Sighing in frustration Levi hesitated a moment before speaking again.  
“So what happened after that?”  
“I felt guilty for throwing you out when you were in such a state, so I looked to see if you were okay, that’s when I noticed that I’d injured you.”  
“I see.”  
“I brought you back into my office and patched you up, I figured after that it would be easier to let you stay in my room for the night so I could make sure you would be okay until morning. I was originally going to sleep at my desk and give you some privacy, but when I tried to leave you asked me not to.”  
“Then what?” He asked, his tone softening slightly.  
“I ended up staying with you, nothing happened though!” You added hastily. “Apart from you clinging to me like your life depended on it.”  
Levi clicked his tongue thoughtfully and opened his mouth to speak, however before he could say a single word, the sound of running feet splashing across the stable yard interrupted him.  
“Squad Leader l/n!”  
You looked past Levi and saw a young male scout halt under the covered walkway that sheltered the stalls from the wind and rain, offering you a brief salute which you waved off.  
“What is it?” You asked curiously.  
“Section Commander Hanji is looking for you, she wants you to go and see her as soon as possible.”  
“Okay, thanks for letting me know. Would you mind tending to my horse? I’ll go find her now.”  
“Of course Squad Leader.”  
“He just needs some food and fresh water, oh and my riding equipment needs to be put away.” You said handing him the bridle and patting the animal’s neck before turning your attention to Levi.  
“I’m sorry Captain, I’d better see what she wants.”  
Levi nodded and stepped aside to let you pass, his eyes narrowing when you refused to meet his gaze.  
Once you had left he resumed tending to his own horse, a feeling of guilt overwhelming him as he picked up the brush again and began grooming the large animal’s flanks.  
He felt disgusted by what he had done to you, part of him wished he hadn’t remembered.  
In all honesty he was grateful that you were trying to spare him the indignity of everyone finding out what had happened, which going by the way you had spoken about it meant you hadn’t told Hanji that little detail either. Although if he was being truthful with himself, he would’ve prefered you to have been brutally honest with him rather than try to hide it.  
Frowning deeply he moved further along the horse’s body, gently running the stiff brush over it’s neck and through its thick mane.  
He was still confused about his feelings towards you, but the more he thought about it, the more he was starting to wonder if Hanji was right about him having secret feelings for you.

After returning to your office to hang your damp cloak on the back of your chair to dry out, as well as putting on a pair of fresh trousers that weren’t completely soaked, you made your way through the castle to Hanji’s office.  
The awkward encounter with Levi in the stables hadn’t done anything to ease your already dark and brooding mood, or convince you that the whole world wasn’t against you, if anything it had made things a lot worse...especially since he now knew you hadn’t been completely honest with him.  
You were only trying to avoid getting him into trouble, you hadn’t meant any harm by keeping that one tiny piece of information from him. He was a much respected officer and Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, the last thing he needed was to be branded a drunken pervert and have his name dragged through the mud. The scouts held little to no respect from most of the citizen’s they were sworn to protect as it was without adding more fuel to the fire.  
“Ugh this day cannot get any harder!” You groaned, stopping outside Hanji’s office and raising your fist, knocking three times on the solid wooden door.  
“Come in.” Called a friendly voice, at least this person wasn’t going to berate you or make you feel like shit for trying to protect their reputation...not that Hanji’s reputation was a good one to begin with, but that wasn’t the point.  
“Hey Hanji.” You smiled weakly, opening the door and stepping into the messy office.  
“Oh f/n you’re back!” Greeted the bespectacled brunette, from behind a large pile of paperwork. “You got my message then?”  
“Yeah just now, I’ve only been back about ten minutes.”  
“How did it go?” She asked curiously as you closed the door and approached.  
“Not good.” You muttered, sitting down in the chair opposite her. “In fact I tell a lie it was the worst thing I’ve done since I got promoted!”  
Hanji frowned and cocked her head to one side.  
“I’m guessing they didn’t take it too well.”  
“If calling me weak and saying I’m unfit to be a squad leader “not too well” then yeah.”  
Hanji’s puppy brown eyes widened.   
“You’re joking? They actually said that?”  
“Right before they kicked me out of their house.”  
“Oh f/n.”  
“Oh and then when I got back I got cornered by Levi.”  
Hanji winced awkwardly, not quite sure what to say. What could she say? She’d spoken to the raven haired captain earlier that day and it hadn’t exactly gone well, so she could only imagine the mood he must’ve been in when he found you.  
“You wanna tell me what happened?”  
“Well he seems to be starting to remember things about last night, so at least he knows I wasn’t lying about it. He even apologized.”  
Hanji sat back in her seat and nodded, folding her arms and pursing her lips thoughtfully. Her theory about Levi having secret feelings for you was starting to show even more promise of being true thanks to this new information you had just divulged.  
“Okay, so not all bad then.”  
“I dunno, he still seems pretty pissed off to me. Maybe I should give him a wide berth for a while, the last thing I want right now is to be causing more trouble.”  
“It’s not your fault Sweetie.” Soothed Hanji, giving you a sad smile. “Things will sort themselves out eventually, you’ll see.  
“I hope so.” You muttered, nervously biting your lip and giving her your full attention you sat up straight in your seat and drew a deep breath. “Anyway, you said you wanted to see me as soon as possible, so what’s going on?”  
“Ah that.”  
You brows furrowed when Hanji reached down to the drawers underneath her desk, pulling one open and and retrieving a crumpled envelope from it.  
“Lucas was cleaning out the dorm he shared with…” Hanji paused and sighed, afraid that so much as speaking the name of the deceased squad member whose parents you had just had to tell was dead would cause you too much pain. She leaned over and held it out to you. “He found this, it’s addressed to you. He brought it to me when he couldn’t find you anywhere.”  
“What is it?” You asked worriedly, slowly reaching for the item and taking it from her.  
“I don’t know, I haven’t read it. The creases in it are quite fresh though so it’s only been written recently.”  
“Where did Lucas find it exactly?” You questioned, feeling a lump form in your throat when you read the handwriting, instantly recognizing it as that of your deceased comrade.  
“It was under the mattress, he came across it when he was changing the sheets.”  
“I see. I erm...I’ll read it later...was there anything else you needed me for?”  
“No right now no.”   
“Okay, I erm...I’ll be off then.” Pushing yourself up, you carefully placed the envelope in your jacket pocket and made your way to the door.  
“F/n?”  
Your hand stopped short of the brass door handle, screwing your eyes shut and gritting your teeth, you froze in place at the call of your name.  
“Yeah?”  
“It’s not your fault, you tried your best.”  
“It wasn’t good enough though was it?” You sighed, opening the door and stepping out into the corridor, quietly closing it behind you.  
“You’re only human f/n.” Muttered Hanji sadly. “You can’t save everyone.”

The rain finally began to ease off as the sun started to set.  
The dark clouds began to disperse and a soft orange glow cast long black shadows over the land below as the day neared it’s end and night approached.  
The horses were secured in their stalls for the night and most of the scouts were now retiring to the mess hall for a drink and to converse, while others opted to remain in their dormitories, preparing to resume training the following morning.

Levi sat at his desk and drummed the fingers of his left hand off the wooden surface.   
Commander Erwin had tasked him with selecting elite scouts to form a new special operations squad, something he was having trouble doing at the moment.  
His mind was an overworked mess, on the one hand he was trying to think who would be worthy of taking on a role in this new squad, there were many talented scouts he could choose from.   
Yet in the back of his mind, part of him would always be comparing them to his previous squad.  
Reaching for his cup of tea, he picked it up by the rim and frowned, raising it to his lips and sipping it thoughtfully.   
On the other hand, you were occupying a large portion of his attention.  
After you had left to seek out Hanji, he’d been unable to get you out of his head.   
Something had happened to upset you and he was curious as to what, he wasn’t even sure why he wanted to know, but what he was sure of was that seeing you in that state had really angered him.  
He started to wonder if perhaps you’d gone off base to personally inform your deceased squad member’s family of their death, had they said or done something to upset you?  
Shaking his head he put the now empty cup down and reached for his pen, tapping it against the desk and frowning.  
Why did he even care that you were upset? It wasn’t like you were the first person to lose someone you cared about and you sure as hell wouldn’t be the last.  
“Tch, Hanji’s imagining things!” He snorted, leaning forward and starting to make a list of all the elite scouts he could think of.   
However he didn’t seem too convinced about his claim.  
If he didn’t have feelings for you then why did he try kissing you, not once but twice. He could remember doing it now so using the excuse that he was drunk wasn’t going to work anymore.  
His frown deepened as he suddenly started thinking about it in greater detail…the way the candle light had caught your hypnotic e/c eyes, the feeling of your soft warm lips against his for that brief moment before you rejected him had been almost perfect...perhaps that was why he had tried to kiss you a second time and being drunk had nothing to do with it?  
“Damnit!” He snarled throwing his pen down and running his hands back through his raven hair, exhaling deeply and furrowing his brows.   
Of course that wasn’t why he had done it, he’d been completely out of his mind and not thinking properly. Sure he had urges just like any other normal human male, but he had a ridiculous amount of control over himself and as such, always managed to suppress it.   
He wasn’t afraid to admit you were an attractive woman, but did he really see you as someone he could become romantically involved with?  
A frustrated growl forced itself passed his gritted teeth, his earlier conversation with Hanji finding its way to the front of his mind.  
She had said that this person you’d lost wasn’t someone you were intimate with, yet the idea that you could possibly have been closer than just friends made him feel uncomfortable...jealous even that you may have shown the same caring attitude towards another man.  
“Shit.” He cursed, realization hitting him like a tonne of bricks.   
He did have feelings for you after all, but now that he was finally willing to admit it, what the hell was he supposed to do next?

You rested your elbows on the cold wooden surface of your desk, placing your chin on your palms and staring ominously at the crumpled envelope Hanji had given you earlier.  
The soft orange glow from the single candle on your desk mixed with the pale slivers of white moonlight from the window, casting diamond patterned shadows across the room where the lead lined the glass panes.  
You knew exactly who it was from. The squiggly handwriting was a big giveaway from when you recruited him to your squad and assigned him to help you go through the test papers at the end of each classroom based training session. You smiled sadly remembering how you had once told him his writing looked like a spider had crawled over it, to this he had simply laughed and countered with the argument that if your style was like that of a primary school teacher.   
“Well, I guess I should get this over with.” You sighed, picking up the letter and turning it over, looking for the seal.  
Carefully peeling it open and lifted the flap and reached for the crumpled papers inside, moving your candle closer to you so you could see better.  
As you started to scan through the letter a wave of emotion washed over you and threatened to drown you.  
“No!” You gasped, your e/c eyes starting to water as you continued to read. “No, that’s impossible!”   
You hands began to shake, making it increasingly difficult to read the contents of the letter.  
“No, please no!”   
Pushing yourself up from the desk you moved to the window, hoping the moonlight alone would be bright enough for you to continue reading to the end, which fortunately it was.  
A few moments later you lowered your hands and allowed the crumpled pieces of paper to flutter gently to the stone floor of your office as your back hit the wall next to the the wooden window frame before slowly sliding down the cold wall.  
Drawing your knees up to your chest you screwed your eyes shut and buried your head in your hands, desperately trying to muffle the cry of anguish that shook your entire body.


	6. Chapter 6

_Two days before the expedition:_

“Come on Garrett! We can’t keep Squad Leader l/n waiting, she’ll put us on cleaning duty with Captain Levi for a week if we’re late!”   
Garrett Manning rushed to keep up with his squad mates as they dashed down the crowded torch lit corridor towards the classroom where a pre-expedition brief was due to take place in less than five minutes.  
Training may have ended for the day, but there was still work to be done before anyone could afford to relax for the evening after another long and exhausting days training.  
“She wouldn’t dare!” Laughed a slightly older scout named Lucas, winking at the other two males that made up their squad. “She has a huge crush on the captain, she’ll be too busy fantasizing about making out with him to ask if he needs help with the cleaning.”   
“Don’t talk about her like that!” Snapped Garrett when the others started snickering. “She’s our commanding officer, don’t you think you should show some respect?”  
“Hark at teacher’s pet here!” Lucas grinned and folded his arms. “Sounds like you have a crush on our dear squad leader yourself!”  
“I do not!”   
“Sorry but you’re out of luck, everyone knows she only has eyes for Captain Levi.”  
“I don’t have a crush on her!” Growled Garrett. “I just happen to respect her, she’s survived a lot of expeditions and despite being our superior, she always treats us as equals.”  
Lucas’s grin melted into a warm smile as he gently patted the younger male on the back.   
“I know mate.” He replied in a friendlier tone of voice. “It’s just the usual male squad banter, I don't mean offense by it.”  
Garrett flashed his comrade a small smile and nodded.  
He had been a member of the scouts for just under a year and served on your squad for nearly three months, he was the first person you had personally selected after being promoted to squad leader so he was keen to prove to his team mates as well as you as his commander officer, that he had what it took to make you proud and not regret your choice.  
Slightly further down the stone corridor was a group of at least sixteen other assembled scouts waiting outside a large heavy wooden door.  
“Oh good she’s not here yet.” Mused Lucas, looking over the crowd.  
“Who’s not here yet?”  
The young male jumped around, his eyes widening when a h/l h/c haired scout with e/c eyes appeared behind him.   
“Squad Leader l/n!” He gasped, slamming his right fist over his now rapidly beating heart and offering you a salute, much to the amusement of Garrett and his other team mates.  
“Sorry Squad Leader.” Smiled Garrett, earning your immediate attention. “We were late getting dinner after hand to hand combat training, we didn’t want to come smelling of sweat and covered in dirt.”  
“Nothing wrong with having pride in your personal hygiene.” You smirked, ruffling his hair before disappearing into the crowd to unlock the door to the classroom so you could begin your pre-expedition brief.  
“Teacher’s pet.” Muttered Lucas, a grin once more gracing his features as he turned to follow the other scouts, failing to notice the faint blush that now dusted the younger male’s cheeks

“Alright everyone pay attention!”  
Pinned to the blackboard behind you was a large scale diagram of Commander Erwin’s long range scouting formation, your current job was to carry out a mission brief for all of the scouts that would be in the left wing spotting squads, your own included.  
For some of them, this was to be their first expedition beyond the safety of Wall Maria and the trepidation showing on their faces was evident.  
Garrett stared intently at the formation diagram, hastily making a few notes while looking at his own much smaller copy of the plan. He had already made sure to mark down exactly where his squad was going to be placed.   
He was leaving nothing to chance, his desire to prove himself worthy of his place in your squad burned strongly within him, yet there was also an ulterior motive as to why he so desperately wanted to impress you...however his train of thought was derailed by your gaze turning in his direction, although it wasn’t him you were looking at when you spoke.  
“This position in the formation is one of utmost importance!” You narrowed your eyes in annoyance when you spotted two members of the class in the corner near the window who were clearly not paying attention. “Your job will be to pull your pants down, wave your bare asses in the air and invite the titans to come and give them a nice hard spanking!”  
“Whoa seriously?” Gasped one of the muttering males, blinking rapidly in shock and immediately facing you.  
“Of course not you idiot!” You angrily slammed the pointing stick you held in your right hand off the teaching desk next to you with a loud thud, earning a loud rumble of laughter from the other scouts and nearly making Garrett bite his tongue as he tried to stifle his own chuckles. “Is this your first expedition?”  
“Yes Squad Leader.”  
“Well in that case, pay close attention...or it may well be your last!” Turning back to address the rest of the class your voice turned harsh and your expression darkened as you stared at each of them in turn.  
“Titans are no laughing matter, I have seen many good men and women die at the hands of these bastards! Now, are you all willing to listen to what I have to say?”  
“Yes Squad Leader!”  
“Good. As for showing the titans your asses and encouraging them to approach you, I strongly advise against it.”  
A small ripple of nervous laughter echoed throughout the classroom, the two scouts who weren’t paying attention to you lowered their heads to try and hide their now reddened faces.   
One thing was for certain, they wouldn’t make the mistake of not paying attention to what you were saying again any time soon.

At the end of the lesson when everyone was dismissed Garrett looked over at you for a moment before turning to address his squad mates.  
“I’ll see you guys back at the dorm.” He said lowly. “I need to speak to Squad Leader l/n a moment.”  
“Oh?” Questioned Lucas, raising an eyebrow. “Everything okay?”  
“Yeah, I just need to talk to her in private.”  
“Okay, well just don’t confess your undying love for her...you might make Captain Levi jealous!”  
“Shut up!”  
Lucas laughed and gently shoved his shoulder, before leaving the classroom and closing the door behind him.  
Rolling his eyes, Garrett slowly turned to face the front of the room, inhaling deeply before slowly approaching you.  
You were currently stood at the teaching desk with your back to him, gathering up the pieces of paper that made up your pre-expedition brief.  
“Squad Leader l/n?”   
“Hmm?”  
“May I have a word please?”  
You straightened the papers and placed them back down on the desk, turning to face the young scout and frowning when you noticed him tremble slightly.  
“Everything okay Garrett?”  
“Yes Squad Leader.” He replied nervously, glancing down at his boots.  
“Hey, you know you can just call me f/n when it’s just the two of us.” You reached out and gently rested a hand on his shoulder, your touch instantly calming him. “What’s bothering you?”  
“Well I...it’s just...um…”  
“Garrett?”  
“Sorry Squad...I mean f/n.” He faltered, still not meeting your concerned gaze and quickly making up an excuse for his sudden cowardice. “I’m just nervous about the expedition.”  
“Sit down.”   
You motioned to the front row of tables, waiting until he took a seat on the uncomfortable wooden bench before joining him.  
This particular scout was closer to you than any other member of your squad.  
You had taken him under your wing when he joined the Survey Corps fresh out of the Cadet Corps twelve months ago, you had your own reasons for this...reasons which you had never revealed to anyone other than your closest friend and former commanding officer, Section Commander Hanji Zoe.   
“Okay, now take a deep breath and tell me what’s bothering you.”   
Garrett inhaled deeply and held it for a moment before slowly letting it out.  
“I’m just...” He finally raised his head and stared into your e/c eyes before finishing his sentence. “I’m just worried about being an outlying spotter again after...”  
You smiled softly and held his gaze.  
“Listen we all make mistakes, it’s not your fault that you mistook that abnormal for a regular titan.”  
“I just panicked and...I just don’t want to make that mistake again.”  
“Okay. First of all, you spotted that titan from a great distance and you did the right thing by alerting the rest of the regiment.” You reasoned, speaking evenly but fairly. “Secondly, no one would’ve expected you to wait until it came closer to work out that it was an abnormal, you still managed to send up a black flare in time and that’s a good thing.”  
“I just don’t want to disappoint anyone f/n.” He muttered, lowering his head once more. “I want everyone to be proud of me.”  
“There’s more to being a scout than pride Garrett. We fight the titans to protect humanity, to take back the world beyond the walls.”  
“I know.” He raised his head again and flashed you a shy smile. “You’re a good squad leader f/n, I’m proud to serve alongside you.”  
“Whoa, what’s brought this on?” You laughed, quite taken back by what you were hearing.  
“No-nothing, I just...” He stuttered nervously, a light blush dusting his cheeks and making his face heat up rapidly. “I just feel I should thank you for everything you’ve done for me over the past year.”  
“Hey we’re comrades, we look out for each other.” You smiled, gently placing a hand on his shoulder and looking into his eyes.   
“Well, thanks f/n.”   
“Anytime Kiddo.” You removed your hand and raised your gaze to the window behind him.   
The sky was now a deep shade of blue with a vast scattering of silver stars across it, despite it only being early evening, the fact that they were out in the middle of the rolling grasslands of Wall Maria meant that the lack of artificial light from torches and candles burning brightly in the windows of civilian homes didn’t taint the natural beauty of the night.  
“Was there anything else you wanted to talk to me about?”   
“No, I’m okay now f/n.”   
“Good, go relax with your friends for a little while.” You watched him with a small smile as he stood up and adjusted his ODM Gear harness. “Don’t stay up too late though, we have a hard day of training ahead of us tomorrow.”  
“Good night f/n.” Smiled Garrett, slowly making his way towards the back of the classroom and the heavy wooden door leading out of it.  
“Good night Kiddo.” You replied, frowning when the door closed behind him and sighing deeply, you hung your head and closed your eyes.   
"Damnit."

Garrett strode purposefully along the empty torch lit corridor, the only sounds to be heard were his own boots clicking off the stone floor, mixed with the crackling of the brightly burning orange flames from the torches.  
Upon reaching his dorm, he entered and looked around the room.  
The room was completely empty, Lucas and the others were probably still in the mess hall drinking and chatting up the female scouts, something Garrett wasn’t particularly interested in. Sure he would talk to them, but he had no intention of flirting with any of them the way his squad mates did.  
The thin white curtains had already been pulled across the window and only the pale glow from the moon penetrating them illuminated the room in a soft silver hue.   
The two sets of bunks he shared with his squad mates were still made up ready for sleeping in, only a few creases on the bed Lucas normally slept in indicated he had sat down on it recently.  
Sighing deeply, Garrett moved towards the nightstand next to his bunk and reached out for the wooden knob of the drawer. Slowly opening it, he felt around until he found a small box of matches, removing one and striking it against the rough side of the box he lit the single candle that sat in the metal holder on top of the nightstand. Blowing out the match when he was done, he picked it up the candle and moved towards the desk in front of the window, placing the object down on it.   
Patting down his uniform he found a few pieces of paper and a pen in the right trouser pocket from when he was making notes in the pre-expedition brief earlier.   
Clicking his tongue thoughtfully he sat down at the desk and smoothed out the blank sheets of paper that he hadn't used on the hard wooden surface, tapping his fingers off it as he thought about what to write.   
Lucas and the others would more than likely be back soon, no doubt ordered to return to their dorm by one of the other officers for getting a little too noisy and causing trouble.   
He hated it when they did that, essentially it reflected badly on the entire squad and he could guarantee that it didn’t sit well with you either.   
However if it did you never showed it and if you were ever pulled up about it by the senior officers, you certainly never spoke of it.  
Garrett silently cursed himself and started to write.  
As the pen moved shakily across the paper, he wrote down all the things he wanted to say, but struggled to put into actual words. 

Not long after Garrett finished writing the letter, he checked it over with watering eyes, making sure he had written everything he wanted to say.  
Picking up the candle again, he moved back to his dresser and once more rummaged in the drawer, tensing up when he heard voices and heavy footsteps outside in the corridor.  
“Honey, we’re home!” Giggled Lucas in a high pitched voice as he staggered across the cold stone floor and collapsed in a heap on his bunk.  
“Are you drunk?” Questioned Garrett, finally finding what he was searching for and closing the drawer, making his way back to the desk. “Where are Dominic and Sam?”  
“Bitch I might be!” He slurred in reply. “Those two morons abandoned me to play cards with Squad Leader Ness.”  
“Which officer kicked you out of the mess hall this time?”  
Lucas pouted and folded his arms, his expression resembling that of a school boy who had been told he wasn’t allowed to play outside.  
“F/n.”  
A smirk crept across Garrett’s face as he sat back down in the solid wooden chair and started to write on the envelope he had just retrieved from his drawer.  
“Good, I hope she lets Captain Levi put you on cleaning duty for a month!”  
Lucas sat up and cocked his head to one side.   
“Who are you writing to?”  
“My parents.”  
“At this hour?”  
“Yeah, I meant to do it earlier but I forgot.” Lied the young scout, hoping his friend wouldn’t ask any further questions, which thankfully he didn’t.  
“Okay, I’m gonna go for a piss then I’m off to sleep.” Shrugged Lucas, lazily pushing himself up from his bunk and heading towards the door.  
Once he had left, Garrett checked the letter over once more and furrowed his brows, wondering if there was anything more he should add to it.  
Sighing deeply and deciding that he had said everything that needed to be said, he carefully folded the sheets of paper and placed them into the envelope, sealing it and staring at the name of the person who was to receive it. Whether it was to be given to them by him or someone else remained to be seen, maybe he would be able to give it to them himself, or maybe someone else would find it and make sure it found its way to them, of this he couldn’t be certain.   
For now, he would put it to the back of his mind and concentrate on his training.  
Swiftly standing from his seat he walked towards his bunk and lifted the mattress, placing the now sealed envelope underneath it for safekeeping.  
He hoped the recipient would understand why he wasn’t able to speak the contents of this letter from his own lips directly to their face, but he needed to do it like this...there was just no other way.  
Especially if he failed to return from this expedition alive...


	7. Chapter 7

Having read the contents of the letter Hanji had given you, your mind had been completely wrecked by your deceased squad members revelation and sleep had evaded you throughout the night, although this did not surprise you in all honesty.  
You scanned over the letter for what felt like the hundredth time.  
The single candle on your desk had long since extinguished itself, leaving the moon’s cold silver glow as your only source of light.  
This was in turn replaced by the now warm orange rays of the rising sun, yet whichever light you read the letter in, the words remained the same.  
Rubbing your sore bloodshot eyes and brushing a hand back through your h/l h/c hair, you carefully folded the pieces of paper and placed them in the top drawer of your desk. With a heavy sigh you pushed yourself up from your desk and made your way to your adjoining bedroom and en suite bathroom to shower and change into a fresh uniform before breakfast.

“Morning Shorty! How’s it going?”   
Levi frowned and slowly turned to look at the bespectacled brunette, who was now placing her breakfast tray on the long wooden table and taking a seat next to him.  
“Piss off Shitty Glasses!”  
“As polite as always!” Giggled Hanji, picking up a metal spoon and digging it into her porridge and stirring it.  
“I’m guessing you didn’t get much sleep either last night, did your insomnia kick in? You know I think it might be catching, Mike was just telling me he could hear f/n pacing her office and talking to herself just before dawn. I hope she’s okay.”  
Levi’s body tensed at the mention of your name, his brows slowly furrowing and causing his frown to deepen.  
“You haven’t seen her this morning have you?”  
“No I haven’t.” Muttered the raven haired male, reaching for his cup of tea.  
“Probably the stress of yesterday.” Mused Hanji. “Her trip off base didn’t go too well.”  
Levi silently sipped his tea, turning his attention to the mess hall doors when a familiar female squad leader walked through them.  
“Oh perfect timing!” Said Hanji, raising her voice and calling out to you. “F/n! Over here!”  
Placing his now empty cup back on its saucer, Levi continued to watch you as you ignored everyone around you, made yourself something to drink and then left the mess hall.  
The part of him that was now willing to admit to his feelings for you wanted to follow you and find out what was wrong. However it was his usual cold and unapproachable side that won out in the end, convincing him to stay put and leave well alone, but this did nothing to stop him from being concerned about you and wanting to try and offer some form of comfort.  
“Okay that was worrying, f/n never ignores me.” Said Hanji, resting her elbows on the table and interlocking her fingers. “This must have something to do with the letter Lucas found yesterday.”  
“Go talk to her if you’re so interested.”  
“You know what Shorty, that is an excellent idea.”  
“So go already!” He snorted, staring down at his empty teacup and wishing she would just leave already.  
“Ah Levi, Hanji.” Said a deep voice behind them.  
The two senior officers turned to look back at the source of the voice and were met by the tall imposing figure of Commander Erwin towering over them.  
“Good Morning Erwin.” Smiled Hanji.  
“Hanji I need you in your lab for the day with Moblit and the rest of your science team.” Stated the commander evenly, clearly he was in no mood for small talk. “Those test subjects you acquired need putting to use.”  
“I’ll get onto it as soon as I can.”  
“Good.” He then turned his attention to Levi. “I want you and f/n going through hand to hand combat training with the new recruits, help heighten their reflexes ready for the next expedition.”  
“Tch fine.” Remarked the shorter male, although he was filled with a sense of dread at the idea of being paired up with you on training. Things between you were still frosty and if your withdrawn attitude a few minutes ago was anything to go by, then your mind was going to be anywhere but on the task at hand.  
Erwin nodded and walked away, leaving his two subordinates sitting in an awkward silence for a few moments before Hanji broke it.  
“Well I’m going to go find f/n.” She picked up her breakfast tray and stood from her seat. “I’ll let f/n know that she’s to meet you down on the training field shall I?”   
“Whatever.”  
“Just go easy on her, she’s clearly still a little fragile and you’re not exactly the most tactile person to be around.”  
Levi simply raised an eyebrow at her, making her sigh and shake her head before walking away and leaving him to sit brooding by himself.

Returning to your office you silently closed the heavy wooden door behind you and walked back over to your desk, placing the cup down on the polished surface you then reached into one of the drawers under it and pulled out a blank piece of paper and pen.  
Sighing deeply you started to write on it, resting an elbow on the desk and placing your chin on the palm of your hand, you furrowed your brows after the first two words. Part of you was debating what exactly to say, while the other was screaming at you that this was a bad idea and it would only lead to more heartache...but you had a promise to keep and she had a right to know that...  
Suddenly a loud succession of urgent knocks on your office door abruptly shook you from your thoughts and pulled your attention towards it.  
“F/n? It’s Hanji, are you in there?”  
Biting your lip and putting down your pen you folded your arms and sat back in your seat.  
“Come in Hanji.” You called in an almost defeated tone.  
Seconds later the door opened and the bespectacled section commander barged into your office, kicking it closed behind her and making a dash for your desk.  
“F/n are you okay? You completely blanked me in the mess hall...good grief you look awful!”  
“Really? Thanks!” You muttered sourly, averting your gaze.  
“Sweetie what’s going on?”  
Swallowing hard you reached into the top drawer of your desk and pulled out the letter she had given you yesterday.  
“Read it.”  
A deep frown spread across Hanji’s face as she took a seat in the solid wooden chair on the opposite side of your desk and slowly reached out for the letter. Picking it up and unfolding it, her puppy brown eyes widened in shock, a hand quickly raising to her mouth to try and catch the gasp that escaped it.  
“F/n I...Sweetie I’m so sorry!”  
“He knew!” You growled angrily, tears stinging your e/c eyes. “He knew all along and he never said a fucking word!”  
“F/n…”  
“What did he think I would do?”   
“F/n calm down.”   
“Did it never occur to him that I…” You buried your head in your hands and screamed in frustration, your shoulders shaking as you started to cry again.  
“F/n he was probably scared, I know I would be if I had a revelation like this hanging over my head.”  
“I should’ve told him, I should have told him that I…”  
Pushing herself up from her seat, Hanji moved around the desk and stopped in front of you, squatting down she pulled you into her arms and gently rubbed your back to try and soothe you.  
“You weren’t the only one scared of rejection, that’s why the pair of you kept quiet.”  
“I never got the chance to tell him...now I’ll never see him again and it’s all my fault!” You choked on your own breath, guilt eating away at you as flashbacks of the expedition forced their way to the front of your mind.  
“You tried to save him f/n, no one can say you didn’t. His death was not your fault!”  
“Then why do I feel like it was?” You screamed, pushing her away and almost knocking her off balance. “Why do I keep seeing his face everytime I close my eyes? Why do I keep hearing his voice crying out to me to save him?”  
Hanji sighed and shook her head.  
“I have to live with this for the rest of my life, knowing that I killed my…”  
“Shut up!” Snarled Hanji, grabbing your shoulders and giving you a harsh shake. “Shut up right now! You didn’t kill him, the titans did. You tried to save him and you failed, you cannot keep blaming yourself. He wouldn’t want that.”  
You swallowed hard and stared into her eyes, seeing your red tear stained face reflected back at you in her glasses.   
“You have to stop blaming yourself for what happened.” She continued evenly, keeping a firm grip on your shoulders. “You are not responsible for his death, his gear malfunctioned and he was unable to escape. I know it’s hard to accept that you couldn’t save him but you must, you can’t carry on like this.”  
“What the hell am I supposed to do?”  
“You mourn him by all means.” Replied Hanji gently. “Then you move forward, become stronger and grow as both a soldier and a squad leader. You’re going to get through this f/n, it’s going to be hard but you will manage it somehow.”  
“I know it’s selfish of me to mourn him more than the other comrades I’ve lost but…” You sniffed and lowered your head, fresh tears flowed down your cheeks and dropped onto the cold stone floor.  
“It’s not selfish at all. The two of you were close, we all mourn those we were better acquainted with more than the ones we weren’t, it’s normal.”  
“I just feel so lost at the moment Hanji.”  
“I know Sweetie.” She sighed. “Trust me...you can and will come to terms with this eventually, but you need to remember that you’re a soldier for humanity first and foremost. This regiment needs you as much as it needs everyone else, so you have to try and stay strong.”  
She slowly stood up and held out the letter to you.  
You nodded and wiped your eyes, exhaling deeply and taking the letter from her.   
“Oh by the way, you’re helping Levi with hand to hand combat training today. You’re to meet him on the training field as soon as you’re ready.”  
“Please tell me that’s a joke.” You groaned turning back to reach for your cup of tea, picking it up and slowly sipping the now lukewarm liquid.  
“Nope, Commander Erwin’s orders I’m afraid.”  
“Uh, fine. I’ll have this and go.”  
“Things between you are still tense huh?” Quizzed the bespectacled brunette.  
“Yeah.” You frowned and put your now empty cup back down on your desk. “It’s like you said though, I’m a soldier for humanity. I need to drag my ass back up off the ground and get on with things.”  
“That’s my girl.” Smiled Hanji warmly. “Listen I better go, you know if you ever feel like things are getting too much you can always come and talk to me about it.”  
“Yeah I do, thanks Hanji.”  
“Anytime Sweetie.” She nodded, making her way towards the door. “Good luck for today.”  
“Thanks.” You muttered, putting the letter back in the drawer. “I’m going to need it.”  
“Oh Hello Shorty, perfect timing. F/n was just about to head down to the training field to meet you.”   
Your eyes widened in horror at the bespectacled brunette’s use of the nickname “Shorty” and the familiar “Tch!” that responded to it.   
“Have fun you two!” She called before disappearing and leaving you and Levi alone together in your office.  
A tense silence descended like an ominous fog as you hastily closed the drawer containing the letter from you deceased squad mate, nervously meeting the raven haired captain’s gaze a moment later when he approached your desk and raised an expectant eyebrow.  
“Captain Levi.” You nervously greeted, wishing that someone would jump through the window behind you and knock you out so you didn’t have to breathe the same air as the man stood before you.  
“Tch, you look like shit.”  
You visibly flinched and picked up the small wooden clipboard to the left of your desk, checking there was enough paper attached to it before standing up and brushing your uniform down.  
“Rough night.” You answered lowly, refusing to look at him and picking up your pen. “I’ll survive.”  
Levi didn’t have an answer for that comment, instead he chose to simply follow you as you made your way out of the office and down to the training field, completely oblivious to the worried frown that was currently playing on your comrades usually unreadable features. 

The rain of the previous day showed no signs of returning.  
The bright blue sky played host to white fluffy clouds and the warm glow from the sun’s golden rays warmed the ground below, making the morning dew of the lush green grass glisten like clusters of diamonds.  
Reaching the training field you found a group of at least thirty young scouts already assembled into three neat ranks, they came together as one and saluted as you and Levi stopped in front of them.  
“Alright listen up you brats.” Said Levi, his cold grey eyes scanning over each and every one of the young scouts. “You’re going to split into pairs to practice sparring, after which you’ll be called up for testing. Any questions?”  
“No Sir!” They all shouted in unison.  
“Pick a partner and get to it.”  
The scouts hurried to obey the captain’s orders, breaking off into pairs and spreading out across the damp field to make sure they had enough space to spar without colliding with the other combatants.  
Turning to face you, Levi folded his arms and shot you one of his penetrating glares.   
You however seemed completely oblivious to his presence, your brows furrowing slightly as you watched the pair nearest you take up a battle stance ready to start.  
In Levi’s honest opinion you looked like a titan had chewed you up and spat you out, your eyes were once again bloodshot from the amount of crying you’d been doing the previous night and the fact that you were practically impartial to everything happening around you was a sure giveaway that you were struggling to force yourself to concentrate.  
“Oi f/n.”  
“Huh?”   
Your head instantly snapped around to face the short captain, e/c eyes wide with panic as they locked with his cold grey orbs.  
“Are you okay or what?”   
You blinked rapidly, since when did Levi ever care about how his comrades were feeling? He was always so cold and emotionally detached from everyone around him that to hear him express any form of concern was strange.  
“I’m fine Sir.” You replied shakily, it was a lie of course but you hoped that Levi would believe you.  
Unfortunately for you however he did not, he knew full well that something was troubling you he just wasn’t certain what.   
He continued to stare at you with his penetrating cold gaze, still trying to fathom you.  
“Start assessing them, bring up the strongest pair for testing.”  
You nodded nervously, glad of the chance to get away from him before things became anymore awkward between you.   
Levi sighed and clicked his tongue, turning his attention to the sparring scouts.   
Finally confronting the fact that he had feelings for you was giving him a headache, he had no idea whether or not he should tell you...of course this was made all the more difficult by the fact that he had overheard your earlier conversation with Hanji and was now even more convinced that the bespectacled brunette had lied to him about you and your former squad mate being more than just close friends…


	8. Chapter 8

You sighed deeply and shook your head in dismay, yet another sparring pair of recruits were on the receiving end of a scathing lecture on how their lack of concentration was probably going to cost them their lives from Captain Levi before being warily sent back to the designated practice area with their tails between their legs.  
It had been a long draining day of awkward glances between yourself and the raven haired captain, coupled with nearly every single one of the young recruits still suffering from the shock and stress or their first expedition to be able to concentrate.   
Of course this wasn’t helped by the fact Levi was being particularly foul in his mood, telling them to stop letting their emotions get the better of them. Even his methods of trying to encourage them seemed to lower their morale, but of course you wouldn’t tell him that informing the traumatized teenagers they should be thankful they were still alive as they were now considered true scouts was a bad idea. Hell, you didn’t even have the nerve to try and voice your concerns that he was being overly harsh on them!  
Despite having an obviously strong affection for him, this didn’t mean that you weren’t intimidated too.  
When you returned to training after lunch nothing seemed to have changed.  
Levi was still in a foul mood, the recruits were still nervous and clumsy in their techniques and your troubled mind was still racing thinking about the letter in your office desk.   
Morale really was at an all time low and you couldn’t see anyway back from it, not for yourself or anyone else for that matter…  
“Next!” Shouted Levi, making you almost drop the clipboard and pen as the harshness of his voice brought you out of your own little world and crashing back to reality with a rather abrupt awakening.  
Blinking rapidly you called forward the next pair from the practice area, frowning sympathetically upon noticing how physically and mentally exhausted they looked. It certainly didn’t help that Levi seemed determined to push them to breaking point, but deep down you knew it was for their own good. They were soldiers now, a choice they had made off their own backs. However this didn’t mean you agreed with it, they were still only teenagers after all.  
“Begin.” Barked Levi, folding his arms.  
The two young scouts nodded and took up their starting positions, hesitating a moment before commencing combat.  
You gripped the clipboard tighter and ran the tip of your pen down the list, searching for their names so you could write the word “pass” or “fail” next to it. A proper results table would be written up later on that evening ready to be posted the following morning, so for now, just rough notes would suffice.  
You risked a quick glance over at Levi, watching him slowly circle the two combatants and scrutinize every move they made. It amazed you how anyone could concentrate with his cold stare piercing them, having often been on the receiving end of it over your four years service, you had built up a tolerance to it...not that you had much of a choice. It was a case of either get used to it and try not to think about it, or dwell on it and allow it to make you lose your nerve.  
“Enough!” Called Levi moving to stand next to you/ His arms remained folded across his chest and as usual, his stoic expression gave away no indication as to what he was thinking, making you as well as the two scouts very nervous. “Send the next pair.”  
Nodding and saluting, the two teenagers made a hasty retreat back to the practice area to send up the next pair for testing.  
“Mark those two down as a pass.” He said evenly, not bothering to look at you.  
“Yes Sir.” You replied, scribbling down the results.  
“Let’s just hope the rest have finally managed to get their act together, I’ve seen fat constipated pigs fight better than some of these brats!”  
You choked on your own breath trying to fight back the loud giggle that threatened to escape your lips. It was actually a relief to you to feel something other than self loathing, confusion and pain for the first time since returning from the expedition.  
Levi turned to face at you, staring directly into your e/c orbs and raising an eyebrow at you.  
He wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he was secretly pleased that he had managed to put a brief smile back on your face. Unfortunately his dark thoughts took over once again as he found himself wondering if your former squad mate had ever managed to make you laugh like that...and jealousy slowly began to creep in.

With less than an hour to go before training ended for the day, the final pair of recruits had finally managed to pass the hand to hand combat testing, much to your relief.  
“Your results will be posted on the training board tomorrow.” Said Levi in a bored tone, his cold grey eye scanning over the assembled recruits who were once again formed up into three neat ranks and stood to attention. “Get back inside and clean up, training is concluded for the day. Dismissed.”  
“Yes Sir!” They all shouted in unison, saluting before breaking formation and heading back for the castle.  
Under the impression that this meant you were also free to leave, you turned on your heels and started to walk away. However a cold harsh voice soon froze you in your tracks, your eyes tightly screwed shut and your body tensed at the very sound of it.  
“Where do you think you’re going?”  
“Erm, back to my office to start writing up a proper results report?” You tried nervously, cautiously glancing back over your shoulder. Somehow you knew in the back of your mind that Levi had other ideas, you just weren’t sure what.  
“Tch, I might have dismissed those brats, but you’re not going anywhere yet.”  
“Oh, okay.”  
“You need to work on your hand to hand combat skills as much as they do, just because you’re a squad leader now doesn’t mean you don’t need to practice.”  
You turned back to face him and cocked your head to one side, he wasn’t seriously suggesting what you thought he was...was he?  
Deciding to try and play dumb you frowned and scanned the now empty training field before looking at Levi.  
“You don’t seriously expect me to spar with you? Do I look like a suicidal maniac?”  
“Tch!”   
If Levi was offended or amused he certainly didn’t show it, if anything he looked visibly more annoyed in your honest opinion.  
“No disrespect Captain, but I would prefer not to end up in the infirmary for a month after being thrown around by you!” You giggled nervously, what else could you do? The idea of fighting him terrified you, he was “Humanity’s Strongest Soldier” he’d tear you to pieces within seconds!  
However what you seemed to be unaware of was that Levi had an ulterior motive for challenging you.  
Having heard your conversation with Hanji earlier about feeling guilty over not being able to save your squad mate, he merely wanted to prove to you weren’t as weak as you seemed to think you were.   
Naturally he wouldn’t unleash his full strength on you, that would just be cruel, but he would make you work hard and hopefully build up your lost confidence again.  
“Obviously I’ll hold back a little.” Scoffed Levi, clearly no wasn’t an answer he was willing to accept and the sooner you realized that, the better. “Now get back here...and yes that is an order.”  
Swallowing hard you turned around and timidly approached him, halting when he took up a battle stance.  
‘I’m going to die now!’ You mused internally, putting the clipboard down before doing the same and trying your hardest not to tremble.  
Levi’s cold grey eyes narrowed marginally, debating whether to make the first move or to let you try and strike out first, either way he was prepared for every eventuality.  
Drawing a deep breath you summoned your courage and swung the first punch, which of course Levi easily dodged with no effort.   
Gritting your teeth you brought your other fist up and tried again, yielding the same result.   
“Tch, you’re not even trying!”   
“We can’t all have superhuman reflexes like you!”   
A second later a fist came flying towards you and connected with your stomach, knocking the air from your body and making you stagger backwards.  
Coughing violently you looked up in time to see Levi crouch ready to kick your legs from under you, thankfully however you managed to throw yourself to the side and roll away.   
“Not bad f/n.” He mused, taking up a combat ready stance again. “Your reflexes aren’t that slow if you can dodge while winded.”  
“I thought you said you would hold back?” You grunted, pushing yourself to your feet and rubbing your sore stomach. It was almost certainly going to be decorated with a large black bruise by morning considering the force Levi had put behind it.  
“I’m letting you stand up aren’t I?”  
“Well aren’t you a fucking gentleman?”  
You stood up straight and balled your hands into fists, stepping forward you threw one punch to the right side of his head followed by the left.  
Unfortunately for you Levi had anticipated this little move, he swiftly grabbed your wrists as they came towards him in an iron vice like grip and pulled your body forward. Spinning you around he crossed your arms over your body and pinned you against him, bringing your back into his chest and effectively holding you in place, completely immobilizing the top half of your body.  
You grunted and squirmed against him but to no avail, you were trapped with seemingly no escape.  
“Is that all you’ve got?” Challenged Levi, his hot breath fanning across the shell of your ear as he spoke. “I thought you were supposed to be a squad leader?”  
Your breath hitched in your throat at his words, e/c eyes widening as memories of informing your deceased comrade’s parents of his death suddenly flashed across your mind.

_“You call yourself a Squad Leader, you’re a weak excuse for a soldier!” “You shouldn’t be commanding anyone if you can’t protect them!” “He was a valued member of my squad, I did my best to try and save him but…” “Well your best clearly wasn’t good enough was it?” “I am truly sorry for your loss.” “Save your pathetic gestures for someone who cares!”_

“I’m not weak!” You growled angrily.  
Levi’s cold grey eyes widened, his breath catching in his throat.   
“What?”  
“I said...I’M. NOT. FUCKING. WEAK!”  
You raised your right leg and brought the heel of your boot crashing down onto Levi’s foot, making him grunt and loosen his grip on you.  
Taking advantage of his momentary distraction you wriggled out of his grip and spun around so you were facing him head on once again.  
“Do you think I wanted to watch him die?”   
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Questioned the raven haired captain, jumping back and blocking a powerful roundhouse kick from you.   
“You think I don’t torture myself over not being able to save him?” You screamed, charging forward and raining down a barrage of angry punches which Levi barely managed to block.  
He’d never seen you this angry before, it was actually rather unsettling.   
“Oi f/n, what the hell are you talking about?”  
He swiftly lunged to the right just as a wide kick came flying towards his ribs, sidestepping around you and carefully watching your body language, trying to anticipate your next move.  
“You think I’m not going to live with this burden for the rest of my fucking life?” You choked out an angry sob, your vision becoming blurred by the tears that now filled your e/c eyes.   
Levi blinked rapidly, he’d seen this kind of thing happen before so he knew exactly what was going on.  
“F/n, calm down.” He spoke evenly, trying not to antagonize you further.   
You clearly weren’t yourself at the moment, there was no way you’d be attacking him with such ferocity and animalistic rage if you were. Something had snapped inside you, possibly the pain of losing your comrade had finally gotten the better of you and now grief had given way to anger.  
“If I could take his place I’d do it in a heartbeat!” You screamed, tears now streamed down your face and your entire body was trembling.  
Despite how many times Levi had seen good soldiers break due to losing someone they deeply cared about, he never thought he would see you suffer the same fate. Usually he was indifferent to it, he felt sympathy for them sure, he wasn’t heartless. Yet seeing you in this state, knowing how he felt about you…  
“F/n! Snap out of it now!” He shouted, noticing your body posture change.  
A strangled cry left your throat as you put one foot back and lowered your body, leaning back and squaring your shoulders ready to charge forward.  
“Tch, fine.” Growled Levi. “Have it your way, no more holding back.”  
You pushed off from your back foot and sprinted forward, putting all of your weight behind your shoulder and crashing into Levi’s stomach.  
The raven haired captain had just enough time to brace ready for the impact of your body colliding with him, but when he put his foot back to steady himself his boot slipped on a patch of mud and the two of you were sent rolling across the grass.  
When you finally stopped Levi found himself on his back with you straddling his chest and your hands around his throat.   
So blinded by your rage, you started to slowly tighten your grip. Your e/c eyes narrowed and teeth bared, you leaned down and applied more pressure.   
“Shall I tell you how it feels to watch someone you care about die at the hands of those bastards the Survey Corps risk their lives to defeat?” You growled, pushing your face closer to Levi’s.  
Levi could barely speak now, your grip on his throat was so so painful he could almost feel your nails digging into his skin through the fabric of his cravat. He desperately tried to pry your hands from his neck before his vision went black, but with little success since you were currently fueled by a grief induced rage he started to think of other ways to snap you out of it.  
Having managed to pry your hand loose enough to allow a small amount of oxygen to fill his lungs before you growled and applied more pressure, he started to feel around for something to use as a weapon. Finally he found one.  
His hand fell on a small rock about the size of his fist, wrapping his fingers around it he swiftly brought his arm up and let the hard granite connect with the side of your skull.  
You cried out in pain as the sharp edge cut into your skin and you were knocked sideways onto the hard grass. It wasn’t his intention to seriously hurt you, but he needed to do something to stop you from choking the life out of him.  
Levi dropped the rock and rolled onto his stomach, pushing himself up onto his hands and knees he coughed violently and gulped in air, rubbing his sore throat.  
“Argh fuck!” Came a groggy groan from next to him, his cold grey eyes instantly falling upon your prone figure as you gripped your head and winced in agony.  
“Oi f/n.” He questioned, crawling over to you lifting your chin so you were looking at him. “Can you hear me?”  
Your e/c eyes went wide in fright and you sat back on your knees, your body shook violently at the sight of Levi’s reddened face and askew cravat which barely concealed where the tips of your fingers had previously been wrapped around his throat.   
“Shit! Captain I...I’m sorry I...I…”  
“Tch, calm down. I’m fine.” He snorted, cautiously moving towards you so he could look at your injured temple, which now had a small patch of crimson blood trickling from the open wound.  
However you panicked and pushed him away, struggling to your feet only to fall down again a moment later gripping your head and growling at the pain that shot through your skull.  
With a sigh Levi pushed himself back up onto his feet and brushed down his uniform before reaching down to you. Pulling your arm up over his shoulder, he then slipped his other arm under your knees and picked you up bridal style, there was every possibility he’d given you a concussion from the force with which he’d hit you.  
“Wh-what’s...going on?” You muttered groggily, your eyes slowly opening and closing.  
“I’m taking you to the infirmary.” Stated Levi evenly. “I might’ve hit you too hard when I was trying to get you off me.”  
“I’m sorry Garrett.”   
“Garrett?” Questioned Levi, looking down at you through narrowed eyes. Was that the name of the squad member you had lost?   
“I lied to you...please...please don’t hate me.”  
Levi’s concern and confusion was mounting quickly, he needed to get you to the infirmary fast.  
“Oi f/n, stay awake!” He ordered, noticing that your eyes hadn’t opened for several seconds and your body was starting to go limp.  
“I wanted to tell you.” You murmured, your eyes slowly fluttering open again. “I...just wasn’t sure...how.”  
“Tch, that’s it stay with me.” Said Levi, quickening his pace as he entered the courtyard and made his way to the heavy wooden door that led to the infirmary.   
“I found your letter…the one you wrote before the expedition.”  
Levi’s frown deepened, jealousy once again started to build inside him. Of all the things you had to start hallucinating over because you were on the brink of unconsciousness, it had to be your dead lover.  
“Why did...you never...tell me?”  
“Tell you what?” Snapped Levi before he could stop himself.  
“That...you...knew...I was...your sister?”


	9. Chapter 9

Levi’s frown deepened as he watched the doctor carefully clean your wounded temple with a wad of damp cotton.  
“Well fortunately, it’s not deep enough to need stitching up.” He stated matter of factly, dropping the now slightly bloodied material into a small silver bowl next to him on the bed before reaching for a gauze patch and a bandage roll. “She’ll more than likely have concussion, but I won’t know if there is any memory loss until she regains consciousness.”  
“How long will that take?” Questioned Levi, his cold steel eyed gaze not leaving your face.  
“Hard to say I’m afraid.” Replied the doctor, he had now finished bandaging your head and carefully rested it back down on the soft plush pillows of the bed you were currently occupying. “It’s going to be a case of waiting for it to happen naturally. If we try and force her to wake up, it may do more harm than good.”  
“I see.”  
Levi’s eyes narrowed marginally, his eyes still fixed on your face.  
He had told the doctor your injury occurred during a sparring, not a complete lie of course, but the last thing he wanted to do was cause you any more stress.  
Most of the soldiers who suffered a mental break after losing someone near and dear to them were forced to endure being supervised constantly for a set period of days, unfortunately most of the time, this made things a hell of a lot worse. Tempers became frayed by the lack of personal space and loss of privacy, this would then in turn lead to a breakdown of trust and caused more problems than it solved.  
Levi knew you well enough to be aware that supervising you constantly would more than likely cause you to snap again. Despite your normally open and friendly personality, you also enjoyed time to yourself to thrash out your problems in private...only on very rare occasions when that wasn’t possible would you seek out Hanji for advice.  
This whole feeling guilty over what had happened on the expedition seemed to be one of those instances that you were struggling to deal with, but no one ever mentioned that the two of you were related. In fact he actually wondered if anyone knew apart from you, Hanji and your deceased comrade, going by your hallucination before you lost consciousness he assumed that they didn’t and Hanji had refused to speak about it.

_“I won’t go into details out of respect for f/n but...he was a very important part of her life.”_

“Tch, makes sense I guess.” Mused Levi quietly. “You weren’t forced to tell anyone he was your brother.”  
He didn’t exactly talk openly about his past living in the Underground District beneath Wall Sina, he never even spoke Isabel or Farlan’s names aloud…  
“Levi!”  
The shrill cry of a female voice, followed by running footsteps slapping off the cold stone floor shattered the otherwise tranquil silence of the infirmary ward.  
“Levi, is f/n okay? What happened?”  
Hanji stopped by the bed and bent over, resting her hands on her knees as she attempted to catch her breath.  
There was no need to hide the truth from the bespectacled section commander in Levi’s opinion, she already knew that you were struggling to cope with what had happened recently.  
“She finally snapped.” Stated the raven haired captain coldly, not meeting her gaze. “When we were sparring, everything became too much. She let her guilt at not being able to save Garrett overwhelm her.”  
“Damnit I was worried this might…” Hanji froze, her puppy brown eyes widening behind her glasses. “Wait a minute, do you know about him?”  
“She started hallucinating after hitting her head. She thought I was him.”  
“I see.”  
Levi conveniently failed to mention that he was the reason you had been injured in the first place, however he had a perfectly justifiable reason for doing this.  
You had not revealed to anyone that he had gotten drunk and tried to make a move on you by force a second time after being rejected the night of the expedition, not even Hanji knew about that. So in his mind, it felt only fair that he should return the favour by not telling anyone the reason you had sustained an injury during training was because you were trying to strangle him.  
Granted no one would have blamed him for hitting you, since he was technically defending himself, but he cared about you and refused to see you endure the consequences that would inevitably follow should anyone find out about your current state of mind.  
“I told you they weren’t lovers.”  
Levi slowly turned his head to finally look at Hanji, his cold grey eyes narrowing and an angry frown settling over his features at her words. Was she seriously going to start talking about his suppressed feelings for you at a time like this?  
“How long has she been out of it for?” Quizzed Hanji, clearly she had taken notice of the dark look on his face. “Is she going to be okay?”  
“About an hour, they won’t know if she’s going to be okay until she wakes up though.”  
Hanji sighed and nodded.   
“Well, Erwin wants to see you. He heard what happened and he wants your side of the story, he’ll also be asking f/n what happened when she wakes up.”  
Levi remained silent and looked back at you for a moment, his frown deepening when you didn’t so much as twitch an eyelid.  
“I’ll stay with her.” Said Hanji softly. “Go see Erwin and then get something to eat, I’ll come and find you if she wakes up while you’re gone.”  
“Tch, fine.” Snorted Levi, pushing himself up out of the hard wooden chair he’d been sitting on, finally tearing his gaze away from you and making his way out of the infirmary, completely oblivious to the smile currently gracing Hanji’s features.  
Once Levi had left, she sat herself down on the chair he had currently occupied and turned her full attention to you, carefully reaching out and gripping your hand tightly in hers she sighed and shook her head.  
“Come on Sweetie, wake up and let us know you’re okay.”

“Come on you bastard!”  
You gripped the leather reins of your horse tighter and spurred it on, leaning forward in your saddle and gritting your teeth as the sound of heavy footsteps pounded the ground beneath you.  
Risking a glance behind you, you were met by the wide bulbous blank eyed stare of a thirteen meter abnormal titan.   
You and your squad had been forced to separate, you had left your most senior member Lucas in charge while you helped out some struggling rookies in the rear right wing spotters. Thankfully your quick thinking and experience of hairy situations was working to your advantage and you had managed to lure the hulking beast away from the squad it was chasing and further out away from the formation.  
“That’s it come and get me you ugly fuck!” You shouted, turning to face forward again you noticed the area around you was now clear.   
“Perfect.”   
You galloped forward a little further before pulling back hard on the reins and making your horse take a sharp turn so you were facing back the way you had come, digging your heels into its ribs, you set off again at a gallop back towards the pursuing titan.  
When it was barely a few meters from you, you drew your blades and fired off your grapple lines, feeling them embed themselves into the titan’s arm. Pulling the trigger you felt the strong tug of the lines as you were yanked from your saddle, ODM Gear was worth squat on flat ground unless you used a substantial amount of gas to build up a decent amount of speed, even then there were no guarantees that you could land an efficient attack, but you had to try.  
The abnormal stopped and watched you fly towards it, releasing a burst of gas to boost your speed. It roared and reached down for the stream of white cloud that trailed behind you, closing its enormous fist around it and trying to catch it.  
“Heh, stupid creature!” You grinned, slackening the grapple line so you came level with its knees, you sliced the backs of its legs, severing the tendons with one well aimed swipe as you passed them and sending the towering monster crashing to the ground.  
Retracting the grapple line you were currently using, you quickly deployed the other, feeling satisfied when you saw it plant itself firmly in the targets spine just below the soft spot that would inevitably kill it.  
“Die!” You yelled, focusing your attention of the nape and pulling the trigger that would recoil the grapple line.   
Finally you were within range, with one almighty swing you struck deep into the titan’s flesh, carving out a near perfect v shaped chunk that spanned its entire neck. Thick white steam billowed up from the wound and your once threatening opponent ceased to so much as twitch a finger, you strike had been successful.  
“One more minor victory for humanity!” You spat, sheathing your blades.   
However your little victory didn’t last long, looking over to the west you saw several plumes of black smoke fly into the air.   
Your eyes widened in horror, the intervals of the flare signals alone were enough to tell you that the right wing spotters were in trouble, but that wasn’t the worst part… the plumes closer to the front were not far off where your squad was positioned.  
“Shit!”   
Raising your hand to your face, you pushed your index finger and thumb into your mouth, folding back your tongue and forced out a high pitched whistle.  
You were rewarded a few seconds later with the steady rhythm of running hooves galloping towards you.  
“Good boy.” You called, rushing towards the horse and grabbing the reins as it stopped next to you and waited for you to mount it. Once you were comfortable in your saddle, you pulled back hard on the reins and dug your boot heels into the animal’s ribs.  
“Come on boy, get me back to the formation, my squad needs me!”

“Hng...Garrett!”   
Hanji’s brows furrowed at the feeling of your hand flexing in her grip, she was certain she’d just heard you muttering too. Did this mean you were finally regaining consciousness?  
“F/n?” She asked curiously, standing up from her chair she leaned over you and studied your face sign that you could hear her.  
“Garrett...no...get out...of there!”   
You violently jerked your head to the right, your entire body starting to convulse on the hard mattress.  
“Hang on f/n.” Gasped Hanji worriedly, letting go of your hand and looking around the infirmary ward, cursing when she couldn’t find anyone nearby. “I’m gonna fetch the doctor.”   
Her hurried footsteps started to grow faint but went unnoticed as you continued to writhe and squirm, calling out Garrett’s name as you started to regain consciousness.  
Finally your e/c eyes snapped open and you gulped in air, your chest heaved with each heavy breath you took, momentarily distracting you from the throbbing ache in your temple as you looked around and tried to get your bearings.  
“Garrett?” You asked wearily, your dry throat burning when you spoke.  
Then suddenly you remembered, he was dead.  
Screwing your eyes shut you choked back a sob and clenched your fists, realization crashed down on you like a tonne of bricks.  
“What the hell happened? Where am I?”  
Forcing yourself to sit up you winced and hissed in agony as a sharp pain shot through your injured temple.   
“Damnit!” You cursed, raising your hand to your injured head and feeling the bandages that were currently wrapped around it and frowning as you finally managed to get a good look at your surroundings  
There were two neat rows of simple wooden beds lined up against the two long stone walls, lead lined windows adorning them at even intervals. Small standard looking bedside tables and a simple wooden chair were placed on the left hand side of each of the beds, which all appeared to be unoccupied. From what you could gather you were the only person here.  
“The infirmary?” You muttered. “Well that explains the bandages, but how did I get here?”  
Deciding you didn’t want to wait around to find out, you slowly struggled to push yourself off the bed, swaying slightly when you stood up.   
It probably wasn’t a good idea to leave without first seeing the doctor, but to be honest you just wanted to get something to eat, head back to your office for a hot shower and then be on your own for the night.   
When you were finally satisfied that you were going to be able to walk unaided without staggering everywhere like a drunkard, you quietly made your way out of the ward and left the infirmary.

Levi finally left Erwin’s office and started to make his way back to the infirmary to check on you.  
He’d told the commander the same as what he told the doctor: that you had hit your head during a sparring match and he had simply taken you straight to the infirmary for treatment.   
Thankfully Erwin seemed satisfied with this explanation and dismissed him for the evening, much to his relief.  
The corridors were now lit by the soft orange glow from the wall mounted torches as the sky began to turn black with the onset of the night.   
Most of the scouts were now leaving the mess hall after evening meal and returning to their dormitories, many of them were happily chattering away in groups about how they thought they had fared during training and trying to predict what their results were going to be.  
They soon fell silent, quickly stepping aside and saluting as he passed by.   
“Captain Levi!”   
Levi turned around at the call of his name, raising an eyebrow when a young male scout rushed up to him and offered him a salute.  
“What?” He questioned expectantly, folding his arms.  
“I just heard that Squad Leader l/n was injured during training Sir.” Stuttered the scout nervously. “I wondered if you knew if she was okay since she was working with you today.”  
Levi stared emotionlessly at the scout for a moment before replying, he recognized the young man as a member of your squad but he couldn’t quite remember his name...Luke? No Lucas, that was it.  
“She’s in the infirmary.”  
“Oh okay, do you think it would be alright if I went to see her?”   
“Tch, how should I know? Why don’t you go down there and see if they will let you in?”  
Lucas swallowed hard and shrank back slightly, a single bead of sweat forming on his forehead and glistening in the torch light.   
“Y-Yes Sir, sorry Sir.”  
He nervously saluted before turning on his heels and walking away, not daring to so much as glance behind him.  
“Tch, stupid brat.” Snorted Levi, turning to walk back to his office.  
Suddenly the hairs on the back of his neck bristled, he almost felt like someone or something was watching him. Narrowing his cold grey eyes he clenched his fists and briskly walked over to the adjoining corridor, which Lucas happened to have been heading down.  
However when he got there, he couldn’t see or hear anyone.  
The corridor was empty and silent, save for the sound of the flames from the torches crackling in their metal holders.  
Shrugging it off after finding nothing, he turned to walk back to his office but was once more distracted by the sound of someone calling his name.  
“Levi!”  
“Tch, great.” He snorted, instantly recognizing the annoying owner of the voice. “What do you want Shitty Glasses?”  
“Have you seen f/n?”   
Levi blinked rapidly and furrowed his brows as the bespectacled brunette came to a halt a few feet away from him.   
“What do you mean have I seen f/n? She’s still in the infirmary idiot! Are you sleepwalking or something?”  
“No Levi you don’t understand, she’s regained consciousness!” Babbled Hanji, there was a worried look in her puppy brown eyes and she was rushing to get her words out. “She’s awake, she started coming round about half an hour after you left. I went to fetch the doctor and when I got back, she was gone!”


	10. Chapter 10

The cool night air chilled you to the bone.  
Shivering against it you pulled your jacket tighter around your aching body, drawing your knees up to your chest and hugging your legs. A deep sigh left your lips as you tightened the grip you had on the crumpled papers in your right hand.

After sneaking out of the infirmary, you had made your way back to your office with the intention of having a shower and then trying to relax by yourself and try to deal with everything that was currently plaguing your mind.  
Of course this hadn’t worked out how you wanted it to.  
Just before you could make it back to your own private sanctuary, you had narrowly escaped running into Levi.  
Thankfully you managed to hide in a storage cupboard and avoid him when he sharply turned in the direction you were coming from. You nervously leaned against the inside of the door and held your breath when you heard footsteps stop directly outside it, praying to whatever gods existed that he wouldn’t discover you.  
It also didn’t help that seconds later, Hanji had appeared and informed him that you had disappeared from the infirmary.  
“She’s awake, she started coming round about half an hour after you left.” You heard her babbling hurriedly, clearly worried about you. “I went to fetch the doctor and when I got back, she was gone.”  
You felt guilty for making her worry, but the last thing you needed right now was everyone fussing over you.  
“Tch, fine we’ll split up and search the castle. She can’t have gotten far, someone is bound to have seen her.”  
Placing a hand over your mouth, you slowly released the breath you had been holding when the sound of retreating footsteps reached your ears through the heavy wooden door, indicating that Levi and Hanji had now left to commence their search.  
Cautiously pulling the heavy wooden door open, you peeked out into the dimly lit corridor, checkin for any signs of life.  
Satisfied that there was no one around, you left the cupboard. Closing the door behind you and dashing back to your office, desperately hoping to avoid your comrades.

Yet another deep sigh escaped you as you turned your gaze to the starry sky above.  
It was so calm and serene up on the battlements, despite the slight chill which did nothing to ease the dull throb of your injured temple, but you felt more relaxed up here.  
Trying to stay in your office and think clearly just wasn’t happening thanks to the constant chatter of scouts who were passing by on their way to the mess hall for an evening drink, so in the end you decided to sit and watch the stars, knowing that very few people ever went up there.  
Swallowing hard you unfolded the letter in your hands and read the paragraphs you had now almost memorized, your brother’s last words to you…

 _“Dear f/n,_  
_If you’re reading this, then I’m sorry to say that I am no longer here._  
 _I hope I died with honour and not through doing something stupid like, oh I don’t know, choking on a bread roll because Lucas told me a dirty joke.”_

You choked out a sobbing laugh, tears filling your e/c eyes.  
Lucas was a nightmare for telling dirty jokes at inappropriate moments, you’d lost track of how many times he had made the new recruits blush several shades of red each time he was feeling mischievous. However it was to be expected since he was the oldest member of your squad at nineteen years old, he was also a slave to the fact that he was of legal drinking age, which just added to his already cocky attitude.  
Smiling at the memories you held dear, you continued to read.

_“I had hoped that I would be able to tell you this in person, but when I tried before the expedition I wasn’t sure how to approach the subject and I’m afraid I bottled it._   
_Well, anyway here goes nothing...I don’t know if this is something you’re already aware of...and you may not believe this, I completely understand if you think I’m lying, but I’m actually your brother.”_

You sniffed and wiped your watering eyes.  
The first time you’d read those words, it felt like you’d been punched in the gut.  
The many nights you’d spent agonizing over how to try and raise the subject of you and Garrett being related, then you found out only after his death that the very same problem was taunting him the way it was you.

_“Part of me wonders if you were aware of this, sometimes when you looked at me...it felt like you were staring right into my soul and questioning yourself over it. Please know that if this was the case, I forgive you for not raising the subject with me, it’s not something you just drop into casual conversation. I don’t know if you were ever told about me or whether you discovered this information by accident like I did through word of mouth, but as I said, hopefully we can both get some answers._   
_The truth for me is, you were the reason I joined the military._   
_I wanted to find you, to meet you if I could, you have no idea how happy I was the day I arrived at the Survey Corps and finally came face to face with you._   
_When I was twelve, I used to stand on the main road that passed by my village with the rest of the residents every time you passed by while leaving for an expedition. I used to look at the scouts and try to work out who you were and what you looked like, wondering if you knew of my existence.”_

“You knew all this time.” You whispered sadly, allowing your tears to fall. “I should’ve told you sooner, I’m so sorry Garrett.”  
A small breeze picked up, rustling the crumpled letter and blowing through your h/l h/c hair.  
The cold stung your reddened face but you didn’t care, as far as you were concerned the slight sting of wind was nothing compared to the pain you currently felt in your heart.

 _“Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents._  
_They did everything they possibly could to make sure I had a good upbringing and wanted for nothing, but after finding out that they weren’t my biological parents, I needed to know the truth about where I came from._  
 _I didn’t let on to them that I knew because I didn’t want to hurt them, but at the same time. It was actually when I heard one of the other villagers mention why I was adopted and who your parents were that I started searching for you, but with only a name to go on it was hard work._  
 _I did manage to find out however that you were a soldier in the Survey Corps and that if I joined their ranks I was bound to come across you eventually.”_

“Well you found me.” You mused with a sad smile. “You certainly did a better job of finding me than I did you.”  
You bit your lip and continued to read, when you finally felt up to it you would need to write home and inform your mother that he was no longer alive.  
It was going to break her heart, she’d been so happy to know that you had found him and were starting to get to know him...and now a year later you were going to have to break the news that he was dead. That wasn’t going to be easy, but somehow you would find a way.

_“Getting to know you over this past year has been an amazing experience for me, you’re everything I’d hope you would be. Strong, smart, kind, brave and a loyal comrade. I was honoured to be able to serve on your squad when you achieved officer status and I am proud to call you my sister. I know I said earlier that if you were reading this I was dead, but I do hope that I can survive this expedition and tell you all of this from my own lips. However if I do not return alive, please don’t feel guilty that I have died before you found out the truth. I have had a good life and even if you don’t find out who I really am before I am gone, I just want you to know that the time we did have together has meant the world to me. I just have one final request of you if I may? Promise me you won’t give up, no matter how bad things may seem. Stay strong, survive and good luck my dear sister.  
Scout Garrett Manning."_

Lowering your head you inhaled deeply, holding it in for a moment before turning your gaze towards the heavens and slowly letting it out.  
“I swear to you now Garrett.” You said aloud to the stars. “I’ll never give up, I’ll always fight on...for you and everyone else I’ve lost. I won’t let my comrades deaths be in vain.”  
“So this is where you disappeared to?”  
You yelped and spun around to face the source of the familiar bored tone that had interrupted your solitude, e/c eyes widening at the sight of a certain short raven haired captain stood a few feet away from you.

Levi and Hanji had searched the entire castle from top to bottom looking for you.  
They’d even ventured outside to check the stables and training fields, but there was absolutely no sign of you.  
“Tch, where the hell is that brat hiding?” He muttered to himself.  
Sure the castle was a vast stone structure with hundreds of rooms and probably even a few secret passages, however these had been sealed long before the scouts took it over and made it their headquarters. There was only so many places you could’ve been, so why the hell had no one else seen you either?  
“Shorty, there you are! Any luck?”  
Levi turned to look behind him, raising an eyebrow as Hanji approached. She looked defeated and tired as she stopped next to him and waited for an answer to her question.  
“No, I don’t know where she could’ve gone.” He replied bluntly.  
“Damnit.” Hanji placed her hands on her hips and looked around the dimly lit stone corridor. “You don’t think she’s done something daft do you?”  
“I doubt it.”  
Suddenly a thought struck him, there was one place that he had overlooked.  
“Oi Four Eyes, did you search the battlements?”  
“No, I thought you were checking them?” Answered the bespectacled brunette, a confused frown gracing her features.  
“Tch, I never said I was going up there.”  
“Oh, well maybe we should.”  
“I’ll go check.” Stated Levi bluntly, already starting to walk away.  
“Okay, well good luck.”  
Waving her away Levi continued his journey down the corridor towards the tower.

Upon reaching the heavy wooden door, he pushed it open and started to ascend the spiral staircase. The tower leading onto the battlements was mainly used as a storage area, so he highly doubted you would’ve gone all the way up to the top, however if you were nowhere else to be found, then the battlements were the only other place you could be.  
In all honesty, Levi just wanted to make sure you were okay.  
After all it was his fault that you had ended up in the infirmary in the first place, but mainly because he was genuinely worried about your welfare.  
Looking to his left he noticed a heavy wooden door, this was more than likely the one you would’ve passed through had you come up this way.  
Pushing it open he stepped out into the chilly night air and looked along the thick stone battlements, his eyes narrowing slightly as his gaze fell upon a hunched up figure sitting alone in the pale silver moonlight clutching what looked like a letter of some description.  
He watched curiously when you raised your bowed head and spoke aloud to the many twinkling stars above.  
“I swear to you now Garrett. I’ll never give up, I’ll always fight on...for you and everyone else I’ve lost. I won’t let my comrades deaths be in vain.”  
“So this is where you disappeared to?” He questioned in a bored tone, making you yelp.  
Clearly you had been oblivious to his presence until he spoke.  
“Captain Levi!” You gasped, your wide e/c eyes locking with his when he started walking towards you.  
“What are you doing up here?”  
“I...erm...I just needed some space.” You muttered, breaking the awkward eye contact and focusing your attention on the letter again.  
Levi’s jaw twitched slightly, his gaze also turning to the crumpled papers in your right hand.  
“Do you remember what happened before you blacked out?”  
You screwed your eyes shut to try and stop fresh tears forming in them and nodded, unfortunately you remembered everything...how you lost control, how you tried to strangle the captain…  
“I’m sorry Sir, I just lost control.” You said lowly. “I know that’s no excuse for what happened.”  
“You’ve been through a rough time.” Shrugged Levi nonchalantly, moving to sit down beside you on the battlements. He swung his legs over the side and folded his arms, turning his gaze towards the starry night sky. “It happens to us all, you clearly needed to get it out of your system.”  
You blinked rapidly and turned to look at him, he wasn’t going to dish out a punishment? After what you did to him? Who the hell was this guy and what had he done with the real Captain Levi?  
“We’ve all lost people we care about.” He continued, still staring up at the sky. “Some find it easier to deal with than others.”  
“Do you find it easy to deal with Sir?” You questioned cautiously, shrinking back slightly when he finally turned to face you.  
“How is your head?”  
“Oh, erm...not as sore as what it was, thanks for asking.” You giggled nervously. “So does this make us even now after I nearly knocked you out a couple of nights ago?”  
“Tch, I guess it does.”  
A deafening awkward silence descended over the two of you, broken only by the sound of a lone owl hooting as it flew overhead.  
“S-so how is your neck?” You ventured warily, fixing your gaze on the dark grass below.  
“Bruised and sore.”  
“Yeah, sorry about that.”  
Levi curled his lip thoughtfully, he wasn’t used to trying to make small talk with people, but the way he felt about you compelled him to try and find out more about you.  
“Captain, may I ask you something?”  
“Hmm?”  
Turning to face you he looked into your glassy e/c eyes as you nervously raised your head to look at him, his heart almost stopped when he noticed the way the pale moonlight caught them. Now that he was finally allowing himself to notice you as more than just a comrade he was overwhelmed by such trivial things such as the colour of your eyes, the way your hair gently fanned out in the breeze…  
“Have you ever lost someone you cared for as more than just a comrade?”  
He frowned at your question and remained silent.  
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”  
You quickly averted your gaze, internally cursing yourself for being so forward with him.  
“Yes I have.”  
Your breath caught in your throat, body tensing up in shock. You hadn’t actually expected him to answer your question, part of you wanted to ask who they were, but in the end you decided against it.  
“The only thing you can do is move forward and not let their deaths be in vain.” He continued, repeating the final words of your promise to your deceased brother and making you wonder just how long he had been stood on the battlements.  
“It’s hard to move forward when you’re the reason they’re dead.” You sniffed, refusing to look at him. Instead you opted to keep your sight focused on the ground below.  
“Did you tell a titan to eat him?” Questioned Levi bluntly, earning him your immediate attention. He didn’t even bat an eyelid at the wide eyed slack jawed expression you were now directing at him.  
“Well, did you?”  
“No.”  
“Did you sabotage his ear so it malfunctioned?”  
“NO!” I’d never do anything like that!” You were so horrified by what he was saying you almost fell off the battlements and crashed to the hard ground below, thankfully a good sense of balance prevented that from happening.  
“Tch, calm down.” Snorted Levi. “I’m not accusing you, merely making a point.”  
“Oh, I see.”  
Another tense silence followed, neither one of you willing to break it  
Once more Levi found himself locked in an internal battle with his feelings.  
His attempt at comforting you and trying to make you see that Garrett’s death wasn’t your fault had not gone well, in fact if anything, he was convinced that all he had done was make you feel worse.  
“He was my brother.” You sniffed, still keeping your eyes fixed on the shadowy drop below. “I should’ve done more to protect him, I let him down.”  
“He knew the risks when he came here.” Said Levi softly, folding his arms and looking out to the moonlit horizon.  
“The only reason he joined the Survey Corps was so he could find me.” You held out the letter, swallowing hard before speaking again. “He knew who I was all along, he just wasn’t sure how to tell me.”  
Slowly taking the letter from you, Levi unfolded it. His frown deepening as he read the deceased scout’s heartfelt confession, it was no wonder you felt so guilty about his death. The two of you had known from the start that you were related but neither had the courage to speak up...and now it was too late.  
“What happened?” Asked Levi softly, handing the crumpled pieces of paper back to you.  
Turning to face the raven haired captain your eyes widened in disbelief.  
For the first time since you had known him, Levi’s usually emotionless face showed genuine concern. The cold harshness of his grey eyes also seemed to have been replaced by a sincere warmth that shone through when the moonlight caught them.  
“My father was a merchant who used to travel a lot for business purposes, so he was rarely ever at home.” You began shakily. “My mother told me that one night, he was drinking at the tavern in our village with some other traders and one of them made a comment about her. Things escalated quickly from there and a fight broke out.”  
Levi cautiously placed his hand on your shoulder, he had a feeling he knew where this was going but he allowed you to continue.  
“He told my father that he had been sleeping with my mother behind his back, she said it was because he was jealous that she married my father instead of him.” You angrily gritted your teeth and inhaled with a hiss. “My mother would never have done anything like that, she was faithful to my father...I was only three years old and she’d just found out she was pregnant with my brother.  
Anyway my father believed him over her because of how often he was away from home, so when the baby was finally born he made her choose...her marriage or her child.”  
“She chose your father?”  
“Yeah, he was taken to a neighbouring village by a friend of my mother, she knew a childless couple who were desperate to have a baby but couldn’t.” You lowered your head, blinking back tears. “They adopted him and named him Garrett. My mother’s friend promised to keep an eye on him and make sure they raised him well, but they moved away to the other side of Wall Maria a month after finding out that they were being watched. Not that I blame them, I’d have probably done the same. I found out what happened when I was twelve just after my father died, I promised my mother I’d find my brother and let her know he was safe and happy...now I have to tell her that he’s dead.”  
Once more Levi’s suppressed feelings for you took over.  
He slipped his hand around to your other shoulder and pulled you against him, awkwardly embracing you and resting his chin on your head.  
At any other time you’d have been completely bewildered by such a gesture coming from the raven haired captain, but right now you just needed someone to comfort you and try to ease the immense guilt that had plagued you for the past couple of days.  
“We can’t always keep those we care about safe.” Muttered Levi evenly. “Life doesn’t work like that, but we can learn from it.”  
“Is that how you manage to stay so calm despite everything that’s happened Captain?”  
“Tch, drop the formalities f/n, I have a name you know.”  
You frowned in confusion for a moment, blinking rapidly as your brain processed the current situation. First Levi had come looking for you, then comforted you and asked about your past and now he was allowing you to call him by his name? Just what the hell was happening?  
“Sorry Cap-I mean Levi.” You stuttered in reply, still trying to figure out exactly what was going on.  
Of course you were completely unaware that Levi was trying to work out how best to move this little situation on without causing you further emotional pain, however you beat him to it by pulling away from him. Had he done something wrong?  
“Levi…” You asked quietly. “How do I move forward from this?”  
Levi narrowed his eyes slightly, keeping his gaze locked with yours. Now wasn’t the time for a full blown confession of his feelings for you, that would probably cause more problems than it solved.  
“Keep your brother’s memory alive.” He answered firmly. “Honour your promise to him and live to fight another day.”  
You nodded and gave him a small smile, making his heart thump wildly in his chest.  
‘Fuck it, here goes nothing.’  
“F/n, we might not be able to help each other forget what’s happened...but we can help each other move forward and find a way to overcome it.”  
“What are you saying?” You asked, a confused frown spreading across your face.  
“Tch, I’m saying I know you have feelings for me and…” He looked away, a furious blush rising on his pale cheeks. “That they’re not one sided.”  
“So...so…” You shook your head and tried to speak again, this time without stammering. “Are you saying that, the night you turned up at my office drunk…”  
“It wasn’t just because of the alcohol.” He grunted, clearly not comfortable with finally admitting how he truly felt about you. “It helped though.”  
You giggled lightly, causing his head to snap round so he was once again facing you.  
“Well, they do say that being drunk makes you more honest.”  
“Tch!”  
“By the way, if that was your way of asking me to give you a chance...the answer is yes.”  
Levi swallowed hard, his blush intensifying at the way your e/c eyes sparkled when the moonlight caught them.  
“Alright then.”  
Swinging his legs back over the side of the battlements, he landed on the cold stone walkway with a light thud.  
“Where are you going?” You questioned, turning around to watch him.  
“Tch, back inside where it’s warm. Just because I like you doesn’t mean I’m willing to stay out here freezing my ass off all night!” Holding out a hand he raised an eyebrow at you expectantly. “So are you coming or what?”  
Shaking your head and flashing him a warm smile you swung your body around and took his hand, allowing him to help you down from your seat. Looking up at the stars one last time you sighed deeply before allowing Levi to lead you back into the castle.  
‘I’ll stay strong Garrett.’ You mused internally. ‘I promise. Sleep well my dear brother.’


End file.
